Recently in Intelli-advice Category

Dear Intelli-Head,

Many of the people I know, more than a few that I hold most dear in this life, keep saying, "keep on trucking" to me and even to each other. Why do they say this? What does it mean? I've been wondering for years, but have either been too shy or have had too much food in my mouth at the time to ask them. Am I missing out on something? You would think having two Ph.Ds would give me some insight here. I'm no ivory tower shut-in, but I guess there's still much I don't know. Having seen your address and general description on the side of one of those small blimps, I figured I'd give this a try.

Desperate for knowledge and thanking you in advance,

Hamish Nethercutt

Squalid youth hostel room no. 5,

Amsterdam, Netherlands

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The Intelli-Head's been put aside for routine upgrades and maintenance for the last few years. Honestly, I've just been too busy to sort out the hundreds of OS upgrades, security patches, and vacuum tube replacements that help keep the old guy up and running. So I dedicated the entire three-day weekend to bringing the 'Head back up to speed in order to answer a very pressing email. - Chris

Dear Intelli-head:

Sometimes, after I down some brews, I get all misty-eyed and nervous and then have a hard time keeping it together enough to really kick it "hard core." Being all about the "hard core" and whatnot, this has made me really sad and hasn't helped when I try to get it "going on" with, you know, "the laddies."

I guess what I'm wondering is: Am I missing something, or doing something wrong here? I was totally raised to believe that there was some really awesome power in a can of MGD, power that I'm maybe not keeping inside of me for those rockin' times spent with the beautiful laddies from the field hockey team and stuff. Do I need to drink it, you know, "different," or maybe "faster?"

Coach says that maybe I'm not bringing a Winning Attitude to my time spent with beer, that I won't get to sweetly caress the totally hot curves of the smoking laddies of my school until I bring my "A" game and give 110-percent to whatever it is I do, whenever it is I do it. Is he right? If he isn't, then what's wrong with me? I try hard to be the BMOC, but I sometimes feel that I'm really only a SBMOC. The S stands for "sorta."


Joey Tuffmanovich
Provo, Utah

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dear intelli head,

i have this problem, you see i go to college and live in a dorm room, which is big enough to sleep in (that is, if you sleep standing), and i live with another individual, strange kid.... i have never seen him eat, ever, all he does is sit at his computer, and doesnt even look up anything worth while, like porn, i have yet to see him own a tooth brush, and despite the fact that he showers every night at 3 am, when everyone is sleeping, he has a cheap motel room soap smell, which obvioulsy permiates the entire room, oh yea, and the biggest thing of all, is he doesnt talk, im pretty sure he has the capability to talk, he just never does, i have never heard his voice, when i talk to him, i just get prehistoric grunts... so my question is, do you think he is going to kill me in my sleep? i have been trying to sleep with one eye open, but it just doesnt seem to work, please help, im in fear of my life.

dave, shamokin, pa

Dear Dave,

Consider yourself lucky. You are my first patron in a month's time and you'll therefore get some of the freshest, most stable Intelli I've administered in quite some time.

You should not fear for your life, Dave. But I do feel, after scanning your letter with extra Intelli, that there may be other things you'll want to keep an eye on. This roommate of yours has habits that my Intelli interprets two ways:

1. Your roommate is secretly an astronaut. If this is the case, then you'll want to go to parties with your roommate (everyone knows astronauts are the life of any party). If you discover that your roommate is indeed an astronaut, I suggest you protect your collection of dickies because astronauts tend to wear dickies under their space suits

2. Your roommate is your shadow without teeth. If this is the case, drink some Clamato and eat raw spinach. If you do this, everything will be OK. If you fail to follow my instructions, I suggest you lock your underwear drawer because your shadow without teeth tends to sew closed the crotch hole of both boxers and briefs.

Hope this helps. It's great to be back.

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Dear Intelli-head,

I have dreams of packets of sugar. I'm not sure what that may mean, but I find it consumes my thoughts. Does this make me dull???

Lilac, West Los Angeles, CA

Dear Lilac,

No, fair lass, your dreams of sugar in no way make you dull. They do, however, leave you prone to brain damage.

Sugar is the food that eats you. Our dentists warn of the damage sugar's acidic war with saliva can inflict upon our teeth, but do psychologists warn of sugar's assaults upon our Intelli? Just like a good dentist, a good psychologist can give you tips on how to keep your brain clean and healthy. I'll pass on some tips that have helped me to keep my Intelli so fresh and so clean.

TIP 1: Wash your brain. What better way to get rid of thoughts that consume you (not to mention that ever-nasty sugar) than to have your Intelli cleansed? You'll need help with the washing. I'd suggest any of the following groups for they seem to be experts: The Church of Scientology, the FBI, or the creators of the television show Friends.

TIP 2: Let the PAX Television Network do your thinking for you.

TIP 3: Think of minty things before you go to sleep. Unless you're British, you've been brushing your teeth daily for years. As Colgate, Crest, and AIM have taught us, mint and mint flavoring are the arch enemies of sugar. Thoughts of mint therefore are the enemies of thoughts of sugar. Does it not make logical sense? Intelli-reasoning is rock solid.

Hope that helps. If it doesn't, consult the Masonic pyramid. I hear it's got a ton of Intelli as well.

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Dear Intelli-head,

I am having trouble getting in touch with an old acquaintance. Despite efforts on my part, the only response I have gotten is a postcard in the mail. Any suggestions?

Renee La Roux, Bordeaux, France

Dear Renee,

As my Intelli scanned your letter, it picked up on a certain peculiarity, a detail you may have ignored. You say you want to get in touch with an "old" acquaintance. You do realize, Renee, that old people must be treated differently. Here are some suggestions:

• Talk a little louder. Sometimes, old acquaintances forget to wear their hearing aids.

• Learn to play shuffleboard. The old seem to enjoy this game immensely.

• Go to the hot old people hangouts. My Intelli's calculations tell me that you should try hospitals, nursing homes, and the state of Florida.

Good luck!

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Dear Intelli-head,

I have quite a problem on my hands! I recently purchased a shiny new automobile with a promise from the dealer that this particular car was actually an Autobot sent here to protect me from the evil Decepticons. Having my doubts about the car due to the lack of a heroic Autobot emblem anywhere on said vehicle, I went ahead and happily drove it off the dealer's lot anyway feeling safe and secure. Here's my problem: the car has yet to transform to robot mode and upon further inspection I cannot find anything that resembles a robot head under the hood or an arm, leg, or laser rifle on the underside! To make matters worse I heard some sort of metallic screeching outside my bedroom window last night and when I looked out to see what it was, I saw a cassette-shaped buzzard fly off and insert itself into the chest of what appeared to be a giant robot soaring overhead. I also recently received an email from someone who claims to be Megatron telling me that he and his army will be coming soon to harvest the vast supplies of energon that are located underneath my neighborhood! What should I do?

Mike Staugaitis, Shamokin, Pa.

Dear Mike,

You'd actually be quite surprised to find out just how frequently my Intelli has been summoned to answer questions concerning transforming car purchases. When it comes to such matters, listen to Intelli-head: your greatest enemy is a very evil robot inside of you.

You first need to know that the aforementioned evil robot is a tiny Decepticon called Paranoiacon. Paranoiacon often makes a home in your head, right next to one of your greatest allies, your Intelli. The dreadfully evil Paranoiacon may have the most treacherous transforming power of any Decepticon: it can turn your good and trusting Intelli into an evil and skeptical Intelli. Your only weapon available to fight against the evil Paranoiacon is your second greatest internal ally: your heart. Paranoiacon may also have partial control of your heart by this point, so follow my directions very carefully. Play Stan Bush's song "The Touch" on your stereo. The sensations this piece of music arouses within you will most definitely enable your heart to be freed from the Decepticon's grip. Now, focus on your Intelli. Let your Intelli know how much you cherish, love, and trust it. Then, beat your head against a wall (make sure it's plaster, not concrete) ten times while shouting, "Paranoiacon" as loudly as possible. This should do the trick.

If, after following the above advice, you still don't find a way to make your new car transform, take it back to the dealer and deliver him the Cybertronic beating he deserves.

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Dear Intelli-head,

I do not know how to read or write. Help.

Bill Stockton, Branson, MO

Dear Bill,

On the very Internet you now browse exists a special tool called the "E-Bay". The "E-Bay" sells many items in an auction style to the people who use the Internet. One item of particular interest to you is something called "Speak and Spell". "Speak and Spell", powered by an Intelli very similar to mine, will read for you.

As for the writing part of things, there is a new employee here at Pork Pony who would happily write for you. His name is Stuart Gimble. I asked him if he'd be kind enough to help an illiterate man, and he said, "you are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world." I computed these words and my Intelli tells me they mean "yes".

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Dear Intelli-head,

When I get to the Devlin Castle, I cannot defeat the Prime Orc even though I am a level 27 Paladin armed with Quanto's White Blade and Majaa Armor. I've tried wearing different rings, but it's just not working. Any tips?

Harv Appleton, Norfolk, VA

Dear Harv,

It is obvious to me (due to my Intelli) that time travel has warped that warrior mind of yours. You never got to the Prime Orc because his minions attacked you using a special concoction simply known as Time Juice.

I'm not sure what the exact year you were transported from was, but I can tell you a little about the era you've wound up in. It is the year 2002. Many things have changed. Fire, for instance, has revolutionized human existence. A man named Tony Little has helped other men and women dodge obesity's pudgy hand by giving them an inexpensive yet powerful contraption called the Gazelle. And in a major cultural and technological advance, computers and the Internet were created with the sole purpose of showcasing the very publication your eyes and brain feast upon at this moment: Pork Pony.

With that in mind, here are a few pointers to help you survive the current era:

  • Buy some clothes. 21st century people don't take too well to those cavorting about in chain mail.
  • Get hip to the new slang, man. It's so flash to know the neat-o way the kids talk.
  • Look into obtaining what is called a "video game system". These contraptions can play host to your follies and adventures in endless imaginary worlds. Who knows, maybe someday soon they'll even create a game that reminds you of those Orc hunting days of old.
  • Good luck!

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    Dear Intelli-head,

    In response to your reply to a letter by one Mr. Eisen (which you published in your last issue of PORKY PONY), I have a question. I want to know why such an obviously classic Irish singer such as that nice Mr. Mc5 has a giant American flag on one of his album covers? Is he trying to be ironic? And who are all those other people on the cover? Are they related? Are they even Irish? Please uncover the cause of my confusication, oh exalted one!

    Waylon Nipple, Ox Lick, TN

    Dear Waylon,

    I was once confused about the Mc5 issue as well. This should clear it up:

    Remember that terrific movie in the 1980's entitled Short Circuit? The main character was a robot named Johnny 5. After I laughed my Intelli off watching Johnny's antics, I did a little research and found out that he was the descendant of an Irish robot, the very MC5 that you speak of. MC5 was developed by a team of Irishmen (the men on the cover of MC5's classic album) and quickly became quite the crooner, although his recorded material is a bit too raucous for Intell-head. The American flag and it's use on the cover of the album you speak of still eludes me. Intelli-head does not enjoy or interpret symbolism.

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    Dear Intelli-head,

    I can't find my left sock. You know, the light brown one, with the little pattern of squares? Have you seen it anywhere?

    Sockless in St. Louis

    Dear Francis Todd,

    Your yen for anonymity bothers the Intell-head. Remember, my Intelli allows me to know all, including your name.

    Your lack of responsibility regarding your precious socks is atrocious, but to hide yourself behind a false name is a crime. And you are aware that sock neglect is a federal crime, are you not? Clean up your act or end up in the big house.

    By the way, I have seen your sock. I rescued her from the alley next to the Laundromat you so carelessly wash your clothing at. I have named her Gladys. Gladys has told me about your years of elastic abuse as well, Fran. Stay away from the poor child.

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    Dear Intelli-head:

    I would like to book MC Hammer for my nephew's bar-mitzpha next month, yet I know he's so extremely popular with these kids nowadays that I don't know how much he'll cost. Do you have any idea what his going rate is, and if he's too pricey, do you have any other suggestions?

    Paul K. Eisen, Westbury, CT

    Dear Paul,

    Sadly, the Irishman you speak of no longer performs. In fact, he shuns the very Irishness that made him a star. But pop culture has made many Irishmen or "MC's" hot. Try to win your nephew over with my favorite Irishman: MCguyver.

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    Pork Pony acquired the Intelli-head in early 2002 as a web-site navigation aid. Soon after, Intelli-head's intuiton-driven advice-giving powers revealed themselves and we gave the robot a second job. -CL
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