Keep on Trucking
Dear Intelli-Head,
Many of the people I know, more than a few that I hold most dear in this life, keep saying, "keep on trucking" to me and even to each other. Why do they say this? What does it mean? I've been wondering for years, but have either been too shy or have had too much food in my mouth at the time to ask them. Am I missing out on something? You would think having two Ph.Ds would give me some insight here. I'm no ivory tower shut-in, but I guess there's still much I don't know. Having seen your address and general description on the side of one of those small blimps, I figured I'd give this a try.
Desperate for knowledge and thanking you in advance,
Hamish Nethercutt
Squalid youth hostel room no. 5,
Amsterdam, Netherlands
Dear Hamish,
What you seek is not only advice, but knowledge as well. I am a virtual tower of knowledge. If you were to take a fictional digital hose and hook it to a fictional digital spigot on my very real Intelli-head, mammoth volumes of knowledge would spray forth, extinguishing many fires of ignorance in multiple Bible-belt states. All Intelli-Products are engineered with knowledge gathering in mind. In fact, I along with most of the privately-held Intelli-Fleet, am currently commissioned by Famous and Popular Search Engine Company that Will Not Allow Its Name to Be Published in Association with the Following Project as a Result of Another Abbreviated Item They Refer to as an NDA. My Intelli cannot process the meaning of NDA.
The aforementioned Project aims to scan hundreds of years of literature and make it available to the public via the World Wide Web, the Internet, and the Web 2.0. AOL apparently works on all three of these, so you will be able to use their wonderful service to view the outcome of the Project. I have been employing my spare computing cycles recently to scan the classic Mark Twain novel called The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.
Why has my Intelli offered you knowledge of the Project and my specific involvement in the Project? 71.3% of my statement was aimed at enriching your insight with an archaic and helpful definition of the word "truck" as used by Mark Twain. The other 29.7% of the statement was meant to both awe and impress. Once the shock subsides, read on.
"Truck," as written by Mister Markus Twain is junk or "stuff." Your friends, who are more-than-likely better educated and more intelligent than yourself, are using a deprecated slang statement that can mean one of two things, depending on how clever they are. The less clever friends of yours (those only slightly more intelligent and subtle than you) are probably trying to be "bad" (the good kind) by telling you to "keep on trucking," by which they actually mean to say "keep on junking," which in turn can be translated to mean: "keep throwing your educationally-malnourished mind in the trash." It's a wake up call, albeit a sly and quiet one. In other words, these friends aim to increase your Intelli.
On the other hand, the smartest among your "keep on trucking" crew have acquired enough knowledge of you and your incredible taste in advice-giving robots to deduce that you are indeed seeking the knowledge for which your Intelli is hungry. They're saying something more akin to "keep on stuffing your head full of useful and meaningful wisdom, especially that which is born of Intelli-Kind."
Alternately, they may be politely asking you to continue shipment of durable goods to themselves and their loved ones. It's in how they inflect. If this is the case, it most likely has something to do with those "Ph.D" items of yours and their relation to the parcels courier business.
Positively correct,
Intelli-Head
Posted by Chris at 10:12 PM Comments (4)
Help with the "Laddies"
The Intelli-Head's been put aside for routine upgrades and maintenance for the last few years. Honestly, I've just been too busy to sort out the hundreds of OS upgrades, security patches, and vacuum tube replacements that help keep the old guy up and running. So I dedicated the entire three-day weekend to bringing the 'Head back up to speed in order to answer a very pressing email. - Chris
Dear Intelli-head:
Sometimes, after I down some brews, I get all misty-eyed and nervous and then have a hard time keeping it together enough to really kick it "hard core." Being all about the "hard core" and whatnot, this has made me really sad and hasn't helped when I try to get it "going on" with, you know, "the laddies."
I guess what I'm wondering is: Am I missing something, or doing something wrong here? I was totally raised to believe that there was some really awesome power in a can of MGD, power that I'm maybe not keeping inside of me for those rockin' times spent with the beautiful laddies from the field hockey team and stuff. Do I need to drink it, you know, "different," or maybe "faster?"
Coach says that maybe I'm not bringing a Winning Attitude to my time spent with beer, that I won't get to sweetly caress the totally hot curves of the smoking laddies of my school until I bring my "A" game and give 110-percent to whatever it is I do, whenever it is I do it. Is he right? If he isn't, then what's wrong with me? I try hard to be the BMOC, but I sometimes feel that I'm really only a SBMOC. The S stands for "sorta."
Sincerely,
Joey Tuffmanovich
Provo, Utah
Dear Joey,
My Intelli has been hard at work trying to decipher the meaning of BMOC. I've taken into consideration your ingestion of alcoholic beverages, your desire for "laddies," and your mixed ethnic origin (your colloquialisms suggest an Irish origin, your name betrays your Russian ancestry, and you're from Utah which probably means you're a Seventh Day Adventist). According to calculations, it is 91.274% likely that BMOC is short for Boy Master Of Cork.
I haven't calculated much data concerning these "laddies," primarily because the Celtic Tiger courses through a different computing system altogether. That is correct; the Intelli-head was built in America for Americans, not on planet Ireland. The word here for "laddies" is "boys." I will tell you something about these boys and you.
A quick search through the Intelli-databases reveals that caressing the curves of a boy would most likely result in trial and incarceration. There are some large boys in prison who are often referred to here in the USA as "Big Boys." These "Big Boys" will allow you to caress them, but at a cost. They seek out smaller boys and make servants out of these smaller boys. These servant boys, endearingly known as "punks" are charged with all sorts of menial tasks like cleaning showers (primarily soap hoisting duties), preparing salads, and performing stable chores (tending to roosters and donkeys). If your luck improves with these boys or "laddies," as you like to call them, you will more than likely be able to experience life as a punk, and therefore you may truly "kick it hard core," as you say.
I wholeheartedly suggest you seek other forms of pleasure. Try women, also called ladies, for instance. Women are biologically engineered to compliment men and a good lady may be able to help you achieve life as a different BMOC, a Babe Master, Of Course.
Logically,
Intelli-head
P.S. "Different"
Posted by Chris at 6:49 PM Comments (3)
My Strange Roommate
dear intelli head,
i have this problem, you see i go to college and live in a dorm room, which is big enough to sleep in (that is, if you sleep standing), and i live with another individual, strange kid.... i have never seen him eat, ever, all he does is sit at his computer, and doesnt even look up anything worth while, like porn, i have yet to see him own a tooth brush, and despite the fact that he showers every night at 3 am, when everyone is sleeping, he has a cheap motel room soap smell, which obvioulsy permiates the entire room, oh yea, and the biggest thing of all, is he doesnt talk, im pretty sure he has the capability to talk, he just never does, i have never heard his voice, when i talk to him, i just get prehistoric grunts... so my question is, do you think he is going to kill me in my sleep? i have been trying to sleep with one eye open, but it just doesnt seem to work, please help, im in fear of my life.
dave, shamokin, pa
Dear Dave,
Consider yourself lucky. You are my first patron in a month's time and you'll therefore get some of the freshest, most stable Intelli I've administered in quite some time.
You should not fear for your life, Dave. But I do feel, after scanning your letter with extra Intelli, that there may be other things you'll want to keep an eye on. This roommate of yours has habits that my Intelli interprets two ways:
1. Your roommate is secretly an astronaut. If this is the case, then you'll want to go to parties with your roommate (everyone knows astronauts are the life of any party). If you discover that your roommate is indeed an astronaut, I suggest you protect your collection of dickies because astronauts tend to wear dickies under their space suits
2. Your roommate is your shadow without teeth. If this is the case, drink some Clamato and eat raw spinach. If you do this, everything will be OK. If you fail to follow my instructions, I suggest you lock your underwear drawer because your shadow without teeth tends to sew closed the crotch hole of both boxers and briefs.
Hope this helps. It's great to be back.
Posted by Chris at 7:29 PM Comments (0)
