I have quite a problem on my hands! I recently purchased a shiny new automobile with a promise from the dealer that this particular car was actually an Autobot sent here to protect me from the evil Decepticons. Having my doubts about the car due to the lack of a heroic Autobot emblem anywhere on said vehicle, I went ahead and happily drove it off the dealer's lot anyway feeling safe and secure. Here's my problem: the car has yet to transform to robot mode and upon further inspection I cannot find anything that resembles a robot head under the hood or an arm, leg, or laser rifle on the underside! To make matters worse I heard some sort of metallic screeching outside my bedroom window last night and when I looked out to see what it was, I saw a cassette-shaped buzzard fly off and insert itself into the chest of what appeared to be a giant robot soaring overhead. I also recently received an email from someone who claims to be Megatron telling me that he and his army will be coming soon to harvest the vast supplies of energon that are located underneath my neighborhood! What should I do?
Mike Staugaitis, Shamokin, Pa.
You'd actually be quite surprised to find out just how frequently my Intelli has been summoned to answer questions concerning transforming car purchases. When it comes to such matters, listen to Intelli-head: your greatest enemy is a very evil robot inside of you.
You first need to know that the aforementioned evil robot is a tiny Decepticon called Paranoiacon. Paranoiacon often makes a home in your head, right next to one of your greatest allies, your Intelli. The dreadfully evil Paranoiacon may have the most treacherous transforming power of any Decepticon: it can turn your good and trusting Intelli into an evil and skeptical Intelli. Your only weapon available to fight against the evil Paranoiacon is your second greatest internal ally: your heart. Paranoiacon may also have partial control of your heart by this point, so follow my directions very carefully. Play Stan Bush's song "The Touch" on your stereo. The sensations this piece of music arouses within you will most definitely enable your heart to be freed from the Decepticon's grip. Now, focus on your Intelli. Let your Intelli know how much you cherish, love, and trust it. Then, beat your head against a wall (make sure it's plaster, not concrete) ten times while shouting, "Paranoiacon" as loudly as possible. This should do the trick.
If, after following the above advice, you still don't find a way to make your new car transform, take it back to the dealer and deliver him the Cybertronic beating he deserves.