Intelli-head's First Advice Column

By Intelli-head
Pork Pony acquired the Intelli-head in early 2002 as a web-site navigation aid. Soon after, Intelli-head's intuiton-driven advice-giving powers revealed themselves and we gave the robot a second job. -CL

Dear Intelli-head,

I'm making a cheesecake, and one of the steps tells me not to over mix the batter. How do I know when enough is enough?

Doris Therio, Tall Woods, OR

Dear Doris,

Gaze at your batter and contemplate its richness. After deliberation, announce yourself to the batter thusly: "Hello, old chap. It is I, Doris, and I will be eating you in the future. Did you steal my Impala?" You know as well as I that the batter sitting before you stole your Impala, so its answer is imperative. If it either confirms or denies your suspicion, the batter deserves a good birching. You should work its sorry hide until it feels your full wrath, after which you should repeat your interrogation. If the batter silently stares back at you with no answer, you know it is either dead or preparing for its just demise: being eaten alive. Enjoy.

Dear Intelli-head,

My girlfriend told me last night that she just wants to be friends. But, we are already friends. Do you know what she means?

J.J. DePew, Townsville, KY

Dear J.J.,

Listen to Intell-head: when it comes to love, friend means end. Remember that while things may not work out between you and your girlfriend, your heart is very special. It is filled with blood, but it also filled something else: rainbows. Search for the rainbows in your heart and when you find them, you will have found the magic of self-love as well.

Dear Intelli-head

There are monsters under my bed, aren't there?

Melissa Conway, age 6, Peck Beach, FL

Yes, but they do not kill, they just maim.

Dear Intelli-head,

My husband's boss has asked me to bake my specialty when he and his wife come to dine next Saturday: Chilean sea bass. My husband is in line for a big promotion and I want to help any way I can. Unfortunately, my fish man has told me that Chilean sea bass is currently off the market, as it is an endangered fish. How can I turn this horrible setback into a victory for my husband? Please help!

Greta Bagwell, Fresno, CA

Dear Greta,

Remember that California offers plenty of fresh fish choices. I suggest you dupe the boss and his wife by substituting some grand Pacific sea bass caught off the coast of your over-populated state. The boss and his wife will never know, unless, of course, they are from Chile, in which case they will most likely have you killed at the hands of a former warlord or junta leader. Cheerio!

Dear Intelli-head,

I think my husband may be cheating on me with a white woman. I found an A-cup bra in his laundry, and I can't think of any other possible explanation. Oh, George! What should I do?

Elizabeth Bray, Baraboo, WI

Dear Elizabeth,

I shed tears when I think of cheating spouses. Confront your husband (George, I presume) and tell him about your suspicions. If it is true that he is dating a white woman, meet her, compare breasts, and let her know that larger breasts mean bigger hearts. Then let your big heart glow with the light of joy and self-love you gain from the confrontation.

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This page contains a single entry by Intelli-head published on January 28, 2002 9:51 PM.

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