Fillmore Days Startle Millions into Unloosen Awareness

By Chris Leavens

Just who is this Millard Fillmore character and what exactly does he have to do with October, the most awesome month and Unloosen Awareness Month?

Millard Fillmore held the political office called President of the United States of America. He was the only President to be known as "The Thirteenth President of the United States of America." He did a really good job.

Brought to Earth aboard a space-proof hovercraft in 54 B.C., Fillmore was born on the steamy planet called Venus. Although his parents attempted to steer him toward a career in investment banking, little Millard fancied himself an inventor. In the year 437 A.D., his rebellious nature took him to the state of Michigan where he invented something he called the "car." After numerous patent applications and the subsequent inventions of the license plate, auto insurance, and the pine tree air freshener, Fillmore's incredible "car" finally debuted in 492 A.D., but no one knew how to invent gasoline so it sat on blocks outside a mobile home in northern Alabama for nearly fourteen centuries before being used.*

In 1850, Millard Fillmore decided that he wanted to become the "Thirteenth President of the United States of America," so he invented a complicated disease called gastroenteritis and gave it to Zachary Taylor, the twelfth President of the United States of America. Zachary Taylor thought getting a gift was nice, but then Zachary Taylor died. Luckily for Millard Fillmore, Taylor had granted Mr. Fillmore "Vice President" or "Second in Command" status so Millard Fillmore turned into a President. Suspicion overwhelmed the citizens of our great nation and they guessed correctly that their thirteenth President, master inventor Millard Fillmore caused Taylor's death.*

As a response to the nation's well-founded anger, Fillmore created his final invention, a political party called the "Know Nothing Party." When he ran for President in 1853, each of Fillmore's campaign speeches began and ended with his party slogan, "I don't know nothing." This did not play well on television and Fillmore was handily defeated by the silky-voiced, well-coifed Democrat Frankiln Pierce.*

For the disillusioned former inventor and president, the next 39 years slipped away like so many banana peels underneath the feet of slapstick comics. In 1891 gasoline was finally invented and the true debut of Millard Fillmore's now famous "car" made him a gazillionaire. He moved to the top of the highest mountain in Vermont and built a tower he named the Palazzo. He continues to live there today, along with his dog, Jim.*

What does any of this have to do with Unloosen? Both Unloosen and Millard Fillmore are Capricorns.

Celebrate the seventh through tenth of Unloosen Awareness Month by dressing like Unloosen's soul brother, inventor of the car and thirteenth President, Millard Fillmore. Katie Couric did.

*None of these facts have been proven, but one can speculate that they are definitely true.

1 Comment

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As you must surely know, you have turned out a stunning piece of research here and the very heavens above undoubtedly quake in the presence of so much that was hidden being so suddenly and boldly revealed.

But, Chris, I must ask you: Did you ever pause to consider what might follow this? What might happen to our people as they read this and attempt to place whatever bits of truth it has (or, rather has "to them") within the context of their lives (or what the Ancient Types called "theyrre dayye tewe dayye")?

Laying out the long and eventful Times Of The Fillmore for all who visit these pages to see is one thing -- I think over twelve or eighty-four percent of the population can handle that to some degree. But to even allude -- in casual conversation, in crowded rooms, with a loud and obtrusive house band rockin' it so good -- to such matters of import as: That Which Might Have Rolled Swiftly But For The Non-Present Fuels or (and here is where you may really have crossed the Rubicon to cast your dice) Ye Wearing Of Ye Fillmore... Well, I can only say that you are possessed of, nay -- stuffed with -- more courage than I shall likely ever even dream of.

If the world changes because of this, I hope you can handle your role in it. Also, having then lost our bet, I hope you can also handle that GROOVY DOLLA BILL I gotta' lay on you then.


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This page contains a single entry by Chris Leavens published on October 9, 2006 7:50 PM.

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