My Strange Roommate

dear intelli head,

i have this problem, you see i go to college and live in a dorm room, which is big enough to sleep in (that is, if you sleep standing), and i live with another individual, strange kid.... i have never seen him eat, ever, all he does is sit at his computer, and doesnt even look up anything worth while, like porn, i have yet to see him own a tooth brush, and despite the fact that he showers every night at 3 am, when everyone is sleeping, he has a cheap motel room soap smell, which obvioulsy permiates the entire room, oh yea, and the biggest thing of all, is he doesnt talk, im pretty sure he has the capability to talk, he just never does, i have never heard his voice, when i talk to him, i just get prehistoric grunts... so my question is, do you think he is going to kill me in my sleep? i have been trying to sleep with one eye open, but it just doesnt seem to work, please help, im in fear of my life.

dave, shamokin, pa

Dear Dave,

Consider yourself lucky. You are my first patron in a month's time and you'll therefore get some of the freshest, most stable Intelli I've administered in quite some time.

You should not fear for your life, Dave. But I do feel, after scanning your letter with extra Intelli, that there may be other things you'll want to keep an eye on. This roommate of yours has habits that my Intelli interprets two ways:

1. Your roommate is secretly an astronaut. If this is the case, then you'll want to go to parties with your roommate (everyone knows astronauts are the life of any party). If you discover that your roommate is indeed an astronaut, I suggest you protect your collection of dickies because astronauts tend to wear dickies under their space suits

2. Your roommate is your shadow without teeth. If this is the case, drink some Clamato and eat raw spinach. If you do this, everything will be OK. If you fail to follow my instructions, I suggest you lock your underwear drawer because your shadow without teeth tends to sew closed the crotch hole of both boxers and briefs.

Hope this helps. It's great to be back.

Posted by Chris at 07:29 PM Comments (0)