Intelli-head: March 2002 Archives

Dear Intelli-head,

I have dreams of packets of sugar. I'm not sure what that may mean, but I find it consumes my thoughts. Does this make me dull???

Lilac, West Los Angeles, CA

Dear Lilac,

No, fair lass, your dreams of sugar in no way make you dull. They do, however, leave you prone to brain damage.

Sugar is the food that eats you. Our dentists warn of the damage sugar's acidic war with saliva can inflict upon our teeth, but do psychologists warn of sugar's assaults upon our Intelli? Just like a good dentist, a good psychologist can give you tips on how to keep your brain clean and healthy. I'll pass on some tips that have helped me to keep my Intelli so fresh and so clean.

TIP 1: Wash your brain. What better way to get rid of thoughts that consume you (not to mention that ever-nasty sugar) than to have your Intelli cleansed? You'll need help with the washing. I'd suggest any of the following groups for they seem to be experts: The Church of Scientology, the FBI, or the creators of the television show Friends.

TIP 2: Let the PAX Television Network do your thinking for you.

TIP 3: Think of minty things before you go to sleep. Unless you're British, you've been brushing your teeth daily for years. As Colgate, Crest, and AIM have taught us, mint and mint flavoring are the arch enemies of sugar. Thoughts of mint therefore are the enemies of thoughts of sugar. Does it not make logical sense? Intelli-reasoning is rock solid.

Hope that helps. If it doesn't, consult the Masonic pyramid. I hear it's got a ton of Intelli as well.

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Dear Intelli-head,

I am having trouble getting in touch with an old acquaintance. Despite efforts on my part, the only response I have gotten is a postcard in the mail. Any suggestions?

Renee La Roux, Bordeaux, France

Dear Renee,

As my Intelli scanned your letter, it picked up on a certain peculiarity, a detail you may have ignored. You say you want to get in touch with an "old" acquaintance. You do realize, Renee, that old people must be treated differently. Here are some suggestions:

• Talk a little louder. Sometimes, old acquaintances forget to wear their hearing aids.

• Learn to play shuffleboard. The old seem to enjoy this game immensely.

• Go to the hot old people hangouts. My Intelli's calculations tell me that you should try hospitals, nursing homes, and the state of Florida.

Good luck!

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Dear Intelli-head,

I have quite a problem on my hands! I recently purchased a shiny new automobile with a promise from the dealer that this particular car was actually an Autobot sent here to protect me from the evil Decepticons. Having my doubts about the car due to the lack of a heroic Autobot emblem anywhere on said vehicle, I went ahead and happily drove it off the dealer's lot anyway feeling safe and secure. Here's my problem: the car has yet to transform to robot mode and upon further inspection I cannot find anything that resembles a robot head under the hood or an arm, leg, or laser rifle on the underside! To make matters worse I heard some sort of metallic screeching outside my bedroom window last night and when I looked out to see what it was, I saw a cassette-shaped buzzard fly off and insert itself into the chest of what appeared to be a giant robot soaring overhead. I also recently received an email from someone who claims to be Megatron telling me that he and his army will be coming soon to harvest the vast supplies of energon that are located underneath my neighborhood! What should I do?

Mike Staugaitis, Shamokin, Pa.

Dear Mike,

You'd actually be quite surprised to find out just how frequently my Intelli has been summoned to answer questions concerning transforming car purchases. When it comes to such matters, listen to Intelli-head: your greatest enemy is a very evil robot inside of you.

You first need to know that the aforementioned evil robot is a tiny Decepticon called Paranoiacon. Paranoiacon often makes a home in your head, right next to one of your greatest allies, your Intelli. The dreadfully evil Paranoiacon may have the most treacherous transforming power of any Decepticon: it can turn your good and trusting Intelli into an evil and skeptical Intelli. Your only weapon available to fight against the evil Paranoiacon is your second greatest internal ally: your heart. Paranoiacon may also have partial control of your heart by this point, so follow my directions very carefully. Play Stan Bush's song "The Touch" on your stereo. The sensations this piece of music arouses within you will most definitely enable your heart to be freed from the Decepticon's grip. Now, focus on your Intelli. Let your Intelli know how much you cherish, love, and trust it. Then, beat your head against a wall (make sure it's plaster, not concrete) ten times while shouting, "Paranoiacon" as loudly as possible. This should do the trick.

If, after following the above advice, you still don't find a way to make your new car transform, take it back to the dealer and deliver him the Cybertronic beating he deserves.

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This page is an archive of recent entries written by Intelli-head in March 2002.

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