Intelli-head: February 2002 Archives

Dear Intelli-head,

Bill Stockton, Branson, MO

Dear Bill,

On the very Internet you now browse exists a special tool called the "E-Bay". The "E-Bay" sells many items in an auction style to the people who use the Internet. One item of particular interest to you is something called "Speak and Spell". "Speak and Spell", powered by an Intelli very similar to mine, will read for you.

As for the writing part of things, there is a new employee here at Pork Pony who would happily write for you. His name is Stuart Gimble. I asked him if he'd be kind enough to help an illiterate man, and he said, "you are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world." I computed these words and my Intelli tells me they mean "yes".

Dear Intelli-head,

Harv Appleton, Norfolk, VA

Dear Harv,

It is obvious to me (due to my Intelli) that time travel has warped that warrior mind of yours. You never got to the Prime Orc because his minions attacked you using a special concoction simply known as Time Juice.

I'm not sure what the exact year you were transported from was, but I can tell you a little about the era you've wound up in. It is the year 2002. Many things have changed. Fire, for instance, has revolutionized human existence. A man named Tony Little has helped other men and women dodge obesity's pudgy hand by giving them an inexpensive yet powerful contraption called the Gazelle. And in a major cultural and technological advance, computers and the Internet were created with the sole purpose of showcasing the very publication your eyes and brain feast upon at this moment: Pork Pony.

With that in mind, here are a few pointers to help you survive the current era:

Buy some clothes. 21st century people don't take too well to those cavorting about in chain mail.

Get hip to the new slang, man. It's so flash to know the neat-o way the kids talk.

Look into obtaining what is called a "video game system". These contraptions can play host to your follies and adventures in endless imaginary worlds. Who knows, maybe someday soon they'll even create a game that reminds you of those Orc hunting days of old.

Good luck!

Dear Intelli-head,

Waylon Nipple, Ox Lick, TN

Dear Waylon,

I was once confused about the Mc5 issue as well. This should clear it up:

Remember that terrific movie in the 1980's entitled Short Circuit? The main character was a robot named Johnny 5. After I laughed my Intelli off watching Johnny's antics, I did a little research and found out that he was the descendant of an Irish robot, the very MC5 that you speak of. MC5 was developed by a team of Irishmen (the men on the cover of MC5's classic album) and quickly became quite the crooner, although his recorded material is a bit too raucous for Intell-head. The American flag and it's use on the cover of the album you speak of still eludes me. Intelli-head does not enjoy or interpret symbolism.

Dear Intelli-head,

Sockless in St. Louis

Dear Francis Todd,

Your yen for anonymity bothers the Intell-head. Remember, my Intelli allows me to know all, including your name.

Your lack of responsibility regarding your precious socks is atrocious, but to hide yourself behind a false name is a crime. And you are aware that sock neglect is a federal crime, are you not? Clean up your act or end up in the big house.

By the way, I have seen your sock. I rescued her from the alley next to the Laundromat you so carelessly wash your clothing at. I have named her Gladys. Gladys has told me about your years of elastic abuse as well, Fran. Stay away from the poor child.

Dear Intelli-head:

Paul K. Eisen, Westbury, CT

Dear Paul,

Sadly, the Irishman you speak of no longer performs. In fact, he shuns the very Irishness that made him a star. But pop culture has made many Irishmen or "MC's" hot. Try to win your nephew over with my favorite Irishman: MCguyver.