Foot Fetish Gone Bad by Chris Leavens

By Chris Leavens

Adriana and I are in New Mexico for the week. Today in Albuquerque, we saw this:

An entire telephone pole covered in womens' shoes. This is how one "rolls" in the ABQ, which was once described to me as a giant Kingman. If you've been to Kingman, AZ, you realize that isn't exactly a compliment. Luckily for New Mexico's biggest, it's not really an accurate description. But I digress. The home this pole o' pumps sat next to was a hodge-podge of makeshift metal sculptures, cacti, and old crap. We found it after I took a wrong turn. Hooray for wrong turns.


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Nice angle. I really like how it seems to reach very nearly to Shoe Heaven itself. Maybe it's a kind of cenotaph for Imelda Marcos?

The portions at the Cracker Barrel there are very generous, so I don't know what people would have against Kingman. Unless they don't eat at the CB, of course.

Irregardless, ABQ is okay; you could spend all week there and not exhaust its myriad pleasures, but that would leave little time for visiting Santa Fe, or Taos, or even some of the various shrines and churches in the region. (Hint, hint.)

Anyway, your Mountain of Mules is nice, but what about the crap you also mentioned? Nine out of ten scat fetishists agree: Show us (er, ah, THEM) the crap!

THAT is amazing!!

a : )

It's probably too far for you to go, but there's a nice diner in Gallup. I fully expect you two to come back covered from head to toe in turquoise. That's the soul of Mexico II, not all that hippy-dippy Taos commie bunko.

Not sure what to say about this. I have many things, just which one to post? I just hope that this was not done for the sake of art, because you know if it was, there has got to be some snobby guy (clearly the work of a male, by the way) who thinks that this piece (of crap) will change the world. I prefer to dream that it was done by two dudes who had a bunch of old shoes and a box of nails that said, "F*ck it, let's hammer them all to the pole."

Then they peed on the ground next to the pole and went their separate ways (Journey!), but both later watched Cannonball Run 2 that night without telling each other that that was on their agenda. One, the taller of the two, enrolled at a trade school for HVAC, while the other still lives with his parents so he can be close to his girlfriend until she graduates high school.

This did appear to be a creation of art, but not the serious or pretentious type. More the bohemian, borderline-crazy type. Evidence of this was the hideous mess, AKA "old crap," that littered the lot. I'm pretty sure the folks who trampled the pole had a sense of humor, nothing more. But Weaver's hypothetical "dudes" certainly make for a better story.

And Ed, you're wrong; I'm currently netting together a robe with nothing more than twine and lapis lazuli, my blue-hued stone of choice.

Weaver: She'll never graduate high school; the district she's in kicks you out at 21.

I hope that the twine in your robe is a coarse, itchy twine, so that you can be both opulent and penitent at the same time.

Of course, I would never wear lapis, because my social conscience and the lyrics of Kanye West prevent me from supporting the African precious stone trade. That, and watching Brad Pitt in that diamond movie made me feel like I was on the front lines in the struggle, fighting with him...

On a different subject, my recaptcha code for that last comment was Shigemasa Robinson, which will be the name of my next potted plant.

I love homemade lawn sculptures.

Kingman, AZ is still one of the craziest places I have ever been. I stayed at the Days Inn there and they asked if I needed the room for the hour. Plus, the supermarket across the street from the motel has some of the tastiest doughnuts ever.


I think that, after we get the band formed and all that rehearsal stuff out of the way, the title of the first LP should be "Opulent and Penitent."

The first single should be "Roughly Under the Shoe Tree."


I think it was Leonardo Dicaprio in that Diamond Movie...

I know this because I've liked him ever since he was a gross, homeless street urchin who tried to live on Mike and Maggie Seaver's porch, before they invited him in for Christmas, and he ended up trying to steal their presents.

...or maybe it was the time he went all retarded and tried to climb that really tall tower. What's was eating him, anyway???

I want to take off his shoes, smell them, and nail them to a pole. Just kidding.

Alex, opulence and penitence are both very important character traits to me, and that is why I demand them in my dojo.

DHL - Leo's appearance on that show totally ruined any hopes for either a Stinky Sullivan, Eddie or Boner spin-off. He also made a poor career decision by not doing the Growing Pains movie a few years back. He would have accumulated 1000 Weaver points had he any sense of humor.


Madison Thomas, you're absolutely right. One of my favorite shows on late night TV these days is the Growing Pains E! True Hollywood story, where they go into great detail about how some crazy ex-inmate was constantly writing and threatening to kill little Ben Seaver. I cry laughing everytime I think about that.

But don't worry, Kirk Cameron prayed for him, so it's all good. Then Tracy Gold got a DUI.

Crissy Seaver aged like 8 years in one off-season.

I wonder whatever happened to Boner.
I'm not even talking about sitcoms anymore. I gotta go.....

Kamala: Crissy Seaver stopped smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee, which allowed her growth to resume, sans pain. Coincidently, Stinky Sullivan was written out of the show prior to that. Bad influence, I imagine.

And your Boner...tell Devin I said, "Yo.".

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This page contains a single entry by Chris Leavens published on March 25, 2008 9:00 PM.

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