Guard Jesus by Dave Tamkus

By Dave Tamkus

Guard dogs not working anymore? Try the NEW Guard Jesus.


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Guard Jesus -- with his sidekick Lamby!

Man, if it were me, I'd have about a thousand Jesuses watching over my 80s folding lawn lounger and my tarp-covered box of Jarts. When it comes to protecting one's outdoor recreation accouterments, one plywood Jesus is never enough.

Guard Jesus looks seriously annoyed about the lack of any recent weed abatement around the property.

"In my Father's house, there are many mansions ... and some of them need a little rehabbing ... so if you make it up here, you should be prepared to roll up your sleeves and get your hands dirty, is all I'm saying."

I saw that guy once before. He wouldn't let me into this club downtown because my shoes weren't "in". Put someone behind a velvet rope and they get all high and mighty.

Apparently, if a velvet rope is not handy, an adequate substitution would be behind a rod iron fence, next to a rain spout on a biantny*.

*means crooked in coal region

Yo, butt! You don't need to explain biantny to me, ya little shitdapants. I'll be up da hosey after I go get a quart-a-beer where the Stoppy used to be between the edge of the Bloody 5th and Springfield* if you need me to buddy you out the Mile.

And I thought my coal region was getting rusty.

*aka The Polish Poconos.


I can only assume that this "Guard Jesus" was photographed in the Coal Region of central PA... In which case, he is obviously guarding and protecting the area against any type of new, rational, or innovative and coherent thoughts and ideas. "Progress" seems to be the Antichrist for the lamb, I have no idea.

On that note, Weaver, I LOVED your book and short soliloqy(sp?) entitled simply, "SHAMOKIN". I can feel your anger. It gives you focus....makes you stronger....

Thanks Hot Lunch! Yeah, I think it is more disgust than anger, but something Shamokin-related had to be put in there, and a comedy vibe was too easy. The sister piece to the story in the "Story Extras" section may ring a few bells to fellow Unloosen posters.

On a side note returning to the photo, I think that the lamb is not real, but a sort of cozy for a 40-ouncer of Genny. An upscale brown paper bag, if you will.

Who says you can't put a Forty inside of a real lamb?

'Sides the damn gub'ment, I mean...

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This page contains a single entry by Dave Tamkus published on August 12, 2007 1:11 PM.

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