Okay, this is a pretty big slab of script, but where I cut it off makes sense, and you get some more Ronnie James at the end, which is always good. A bunch of new characters are introduced, and it may seem a bit chaotic at this point, but believe me, it all comes together quite well. Patience.
The pudding character thing is wrong, I admit that already, and we get an appearance from another "immigrant". Truth be told, most of the ice cream scenes happened for real to/including the co-author of this piece. And a few others I have witnessed or been told about by very reliable sources.
And now, more Soda Jerks...
EXT. THEATRE - LATE AFTERNOON
Downtown. Hustle and bustle. Outside of a theatre, a MAN,
30ish, long hair and a beard, wears a simple cloak. He stands
at a payphone. He smokes a cigarette while he talks.
...I need this gig in a big way.
My agent says that if I get this
part, I could make a serious
attempt at Broadway.
The audition is in two weeks.
No, I don't think so.
He takes a drag of the cigarette.
As soon as I hang up this phone, I
will become Jesus. And I won't let
anything distract me from this.
This is something that I need to
Remember not to try and call me,
because Jesus didn't have a phone,
so I don't either.
All right, cool? I'll see you
after the audition. Take care.
The man is now known as JESUS. Jesus takes a final drag off
his cigarette, flicks it to the ground, and extinguishes it
with the bottom of his sandal.
Jesus takes a deep breath and then wanders down the sidewalk.
EXT. FRANCO'S ICE CREAM - NIGHT
Brad and Jesse lock the front door of the parlor. They begin
to walk down the street.
Man, I'm beat tonight.
I think I twisted my ankle.
Going out tonight?
Nope, Claudia is coming tomorrow.
And I don't need to be hung over
for that. I'd never hear the end of
Putting Clarissa on hold?
Does it really matter?
I guess not.
The girl's a freakin' moron.
Brad and Jesse make their way to the end of the sidewalk,
near a huge, empty parking lot surrounding an abandoned strip
They spy 3 vehicles. All 3 are Broncos and are parked close
to one of the vacated stores.
It's those CB Guys, again.
STRIP MALL PARKING LOT
A Hispanic male, GOMEZ, 18, small in stature, pulls an
armload of lawn chairs out of the back of a truck. DARTH, 28,
athletic build and with a tiny mustache, watches him.
Gomez, open them up and put them
over by Armchair. But not too
ARMCHAIR, 28, a fat slob, wears a flannel shirt, mesh
baseball hat and dirty jeans. He sits in the middle of
'their' area in a lawn chair and drinks a beer. Gomez
randomly places the chairs around Armchair, opening them up
while sneaking glances at the stoic Armchair.
Armchair pulls out a WALKIE-TALKIE from his lap, turns it on,
and listens to the noise produced by the speaker.
Not there, Gomez, I'm getting
Darth takes a seat next to Armchair and looks up at the clear
From seemingly out of nothingness, a small gang of youths
flock around Darth and Armchair. FRITO, 15 years old, a
scrawny male with tight, curly blonde hair approaches Darth.
Darth looks upon Frito.
Good work, Frito. Put in down right
Tonight will be the night.
Darth points his finger to the ground, next to his foot.
Frito sets a piece of metal with a cubic shape down on the
ground. From it, he removes a CB speaker, attached to the
cube with a coiled telephone cord. Frito wipes the CB handle
clean, and then hands it to Darth.
All of the gang members work their individual radio equipment
in their own private space.
What a bunch of losers.
Yeah, someone's been watching
'E.T.' once too many times.
INT. JESSE'S HOUSE - LATE MORNING
The SOUND of laughter greets Jesse as he slowly walks down
Jesse still wears whatever he slept in. His hair is unkempt
and he looks groggy.
CLAUDIA, 25, and Jesse's MOM, mid 50's, let each other go
from a hug. Jesse's DAD, 50's, catches sight of Jesse, and
immediately gives his full attention to Jesse walking down
the stairs. He looks at Jesse with disdain.
You're up early today.
Why don't you say hi to your sister
and our new son-in-law?
Jesse, clearly irritated, looks at the activity in the living
room. He sighs and seemingly against his will, enters.
Random family members are engaged in conversations in almost
every part of the room. Everyone is casually dressed, which
makes Jesse look very out of place.
A pair of MIDDLE AGED STRANGERS stare at Jesse. An OBESE AUNT
rubs Jesse's hair while he walks right passed her.
Hi, Aunt Jane.
Jesse stands next to his mom, who still holds Claudia with
one arm. Claudia has her back to Jesse and converses with an
UNCLE. Claudia pecks the uncle on the cheek. Mom tugs on
Claudia, who turns and faces Jesse.
She LOOKS at her brother and smiles as if to embarrass him.
Jesse keeps a safe distance from Claudia.
Looking good, Jesse.
I know, Princess.
It's okay, Mom. He's just sleeping
his life away.
You guys got me up for this?
Sorry to keep you from your busy
Don't be like that. You guys need
to be nice to each other.
Anything for you, Mom.
Claudia rolls her eyes at Jesse and returns to her fiancé,
MARCO, early 30's. Marco smiles and extends an open hand to
Jesse shakes Marco's hand, and replies with a nod of his
head. Marco takes a step back and holds Claudia in his arms.
Don't you have anything to say,
Um, like what?
Dad comes over.
Marco, you're privileged to see
Jesse awake this early in the day.
We all need our sleep, right?
He sleeps enough for the entire
Can I go now?
You better go and talk to your
Uncle Gene. He just got out of the
I'll talk to him later. I need a
Don't use all the hot water.
EXT. HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER
A WINDOW SIGN reads ROOM FOR RENT.
Jesus walks up the steps onto the porch and rings the
The door opens. Jesus opens his arms to his sides, as if
trying to hug whoever answers the door. The balding head of
an IRATE MAN appears. The man's EYES open wide, and turn
enraged when he gets a good look at Jesus.
Oh, its YOU people again? What the
hell did I tell you God damned
Jehovahs? Leave me alone!
The man disappears behind the slamming door.
All I am looking for is a room for
Jesus steps off the porch, onto the sidewalk. He turns down
an alleyway, where garbage cans, crates, and stripped cars
litter the area.
Jesus stops in front of an abandoned garage. The sign, in
faded paint, reads: MARY AND JO'S GARAGE.
Jesus peers into the garage through a dusted pane of glass.
Jesus enters the garage, which contains automobile parts and
forgotten tools resting upon cobwebbed workbenches. Stray
cats roam the floor of the garage. Jesus finds an old tarp in
one of the corners of the garage, collects it in his arms,
and then constructs a crude bed next to the wall in the back.
Jesus prepares to rest next to a car engine and a rusted tool
INT. JESSE'S HOUSE - AFTERNOON
Jesse sits in a metal folding chair. He talks on the phone.
This wedding is nothing but a pain
in the ass. I'm getting harassed
left and right.
Ronnie James, holds a phone and sits on a gurney while he
wears a nurse's outfit, a Dio T-shirt peeking through the
ORDERLY #1, wears a bicycle helmet, and stops next to Ronnie
James. His cart which contains cups of pudding, slams into
The ORDERLY #1 starts to stack the cups of pudding on top of
each other. The pudding pushes out from the cup on the
bottom, and makes a real mess.
Ronnie James watches this act, pulls the phone away from his
Stop that! Would you look at what
the hell you're doing, man?
Oh, hell, take that mess back to
ORDERLY #1 looks as if he is about to cry, and then timidly
pushes the cart down the hall. Ronnie James returns the phone
to his face.
You should work with me, instead of
these retards they got polluting up
So, what are you up to today?
I got to have lunch here with the
motley crew. Then work.
Anything up after work?
Brad and I are going out with the
girls, I guess.
Lemme guess, Clarissa and whoever
You got it.
Cool, man. I'll stop by after work.
I'm going on a scavenger hunt
around the hospital, we'll see what
All right. Later.
INT. JESSE'S HOUSE - LATER
The remnants of lunch are scattered atop the dining room
table. Jesse sits next to his parents, with Claudia sitting
directly across from him. Marco is seen in the background,
talking to a GRANDPARENT type. Claudia, leans over the table,
almost on top of Jesse, and LOOKS at him with fiery eyes.
Listen. Like it or not, you're in
the wedding, okay?
(rolls his eyes)
I know. I've been told, like, a
thousand times what I have to do,
Then one more time won't hurt.
Can you stop with the attitude?
We can't count on you for anything
All you have to do is A: seat
people with Marco's cousin, Paul.
Paul is just adorable. You two will
look so handsome together.
B: show up.
We'll see that you don't fail that
And C: be nice to Marco. Maybe take
him out to dinner one night?
Whoa, put the brakes on that one,
Chucky! Since when do I have to
take him out?
Ever since his best man had to stay
in Toronto for a funeral.
How about I go to Toronto and stand
in for him?
Uneasy silence as the family STARES at Jesse.
How can you say that?
All right, I'll take him out and be
nice and be polite and kiss his ass
and tell him how great he is and
how nice he smells and how well he
dresses and whatever else his
little heart desires and--
That's all we're asking.
Can I go now? I have to work.
You call what you do 'work?'
Okay, 'Miss Matressback.'
Jesse gets out of his chair and walks out of the dining room.
And don't use all the hot water!
Jesse STOPS. Very confused.
I mean, take the trash out on your
INT. FRANCO'S ICE CREAM - EVENING
Brad and Jesse, once again, lean against the counter in the
Yeah, my parents are on fire this
week. They're really in the zone
with the insults.
That's what they're there for.
You'd figure that with Claudia
around, I'd be invisible, but NO,
they decide to run a train on me.
You could run away.
And give them the satisfaction?
Brad and Jesse look at each other and chuckle. Two young
girls, MISSY and SHARON, early 20's, enter the parlor. They
navigate directly towards Brad, who greets them with a sly
Missy and Sharon giggle like buffoons, and place their hands
on the counter and slightly arch their backs in eerie tandem.
Then you came to the right place.
Brad opens his arms to his sides and displays himself to the
girls, with cocky bravado.
Need I say more?
Jesse shakes his head, and walks into the back of the parlor.
The girls giggle again, while Brad smiles coyly at them.
You're pretty sure of yourself,
You were pretty sure of myself the
other night, oh yeah.
Back for seconds? They ALWAYS come
back for seconds, right, Jesse?
Brad turns and faces the spot where Jesse WAS standing.
Just get us two...
Sharon leans over the counter and looks directly at Brad's
Didn't hear you call it small
Missy laughs, while Sharon smirks.
The door opens and IMMIGRANT #2 enters the parlor. He stops
halfway in the parlor and stares at the menu from a distance.
The girls receive their sundaes. Sharon digs in, while Missy
Brad, where's my cherry?
You haven't had that since ninth
Brad turns around and opens his mouth. Inside, a cherry hangs
from the stem, which is lodged between Brad's two front
Want it? Come get it.
Missy leans over the counter and meets Brad's mouth as they
share a cherry-swapping kiss. Jesse comes to the counter and
stares at the Immigrant.
The Immigrant sees Jesse, and walks to the counter, LOST.
Can I help you?
Give to me, ice cream strawberries
While still kissing, Brad's eyes open up. He releases his
lip-lock with Missy, and steps over to the counter. He bumps
Jesse out of the way, so he can serve the Immigrant. The
Immigrant looks startled.
Brad closes in on the Immigrant. The Immigrant sheepishly
leans closer to Brad and smiles.
Hey, buddy? You want a free cone?
I comes for strawberries with the,
the, cream. Cream whip.
Brad slaps his hand on the counter with frustrated violence,
the sound making the Immigrant flinch.
Brad turns around and scoops some rainbow colored sherbet
into a cup. He then drowns it with vanilla syrup. He hands it
to the Immigrant.
The Immigrant STARES at the cup of frozen slop for a moment.
Frightened, Immigrant #2 pulls out a crumbled ball of paper
money. He hands a few dollars to Brad.
This ain't enough!
Immigrant #2 hands over another pair of bills. Brad scoops
them up, greedily.
Good enough. Now I don't have to
call the cops.
Immigrant #2 leaves the building, all the while staring at
the MESS in his cup.
Brad fans the money in his hands, giggling relentlessly.
That fool just paid nine bucks for
that shit. God bless America.
Jesse laughs, and then removes his paper hat.
Yeah, I'm blowin' this taco stand.
I have things to do.
We're still on for tonight, right?
Brad and Missy go to the back of the parlor, while Sharon
sits in a chair.
EXT. FRANCO'S ICE CREAM - MOMENTS LATER
Jesse walks across the parking lot. A black Dodge Omni
barrels in his direction. The song, "Rainbow in the Dark"
blares at a severe volume.
The Omni slams on its brakes next to Jesse. The music is
lowered. Ronnie James leaps out of the car, smiling.
What's the rush?
Wait 'til you see this, man.
Today's scavenger hunt was a
Ronnie James leads Jesse to the trunk of the Omni. He opens
the trunk and pulls out a plastic shopping bag.
Ronnie James pulls a HUMAN ARM from out of the bag and shakes
it at Jesse. Jesse takes a step back, then hops up and down
Damn! That is so fucking cool!
I found it just laying around in
What's wrong with the hand?
The staples came out.
Ronnie James grabs the arm back and positions the fingers to
form the 'devil horns.'
RONNIE JAMES (cont'd)
Too wicked, man. I'm gonna put this
on the hood of my car when I get
That'll be sweet.
And if I can't get it to stay on
the hood, I've got another plan for
I'm going to plant it on Bald Bull
to let him know I mean business.
Mess with the best, die like the
Jesse laughs while Ronnie James jabs the arm up and down in