Clean by A.S. Albright

By A.S. Albright

It’s amazing to me how life can turn on a dime.

Years pass in a parade of seemingly endless and monotonous days. Then, something happens. It can be anything, something infinitesimal, but every moment afterward is different.

It can come in the form of a phone call or a simple thought. No matter how it comes, it’s as if flood gates open and everything good rushes in and everything bad rushes out.

Life is magic.

Life is easy.

Life is beautiful.

If you’re like me, these moments of awesome realization are soon followed by regret. “Why haven’t I been like this all along?” “How much precious time have I wasted?”

Then you quickly realize that you’re wasting precious time worrying about how much precious time you’ve wasted. Then you smile like you’re taking a breath and just be.




I don’t mean to sound like some new-age guru preaching to the masses; I am only happy.

And I needed to share.

Every morning I wake up, brew coffee, take a shower, get dressed, smoke a cigarette, shave, brush my teeth, and drive to work. Every morning except those two pitiful days stuck at the end of the week. On those days I do none of the above except brew coffee and smoke a cigarette.

Then one morning I woke up.

I just didn’t awaken, I awoke.

Doctors would probably say that my brain is awash in chemicals caused by some extraordinary external experience like love or grief.

I say, “No.”

Because I said, “Yes.”

I said “yes” to possibility.

I said “no” to the fear that so utterly rules my world.

It may only last for a day, it may last for a week, but I don’t care.

It is lasting for now and that is all that matters.

And I needed to share.

Which is another thing that amazes me.

I hoard the abundance that is my loneliness and despair as if it were my last morsel of bread.

Yet, happiness pours out of me like a free-flowing stream. I don’t want to hold on to any part of it.

I like that.

So for the moment, for the day, the sun shines and the breeze blows, and I blow with it.

I hope to awaken tomorrow.

I have slept quite enough.


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God knows I've had this feeling many times before. I think I've described it as figuring it out for a day or a week and then forgetting it. When things are great, unlocked, the world seems so open and I swear to myself that I'll never forget, that I'll stay "unlocked" forever, but then it slips away slowly and I don't even notice it go until it's gone.

I think you've done a great job of capturing that feeling. It feels like the beginning of a much longer story.

Being an eternal pessimist, when that happens it's an incredible moment. Everything seems so completely obvious and open. You'd be upset at yourself for not seeing it but since everything seems to be clicking in place you just go with it.

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This page contains a single entry by A.S. Albright published on May 28, 2005 8:10 PM.

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Alone with the Talking Dog, Part 4 is the next entry in this blog.

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