Movies: March 2002 Archives

Honestly, you couldn't pay me to sit through this movie. Instead of jiggling her hooters in front of a giant neon Pepsi sign, Brittany Spears is shaking her self worth on the big screen. Why pay for the cow when she exposes herself for free? Besides, we all know that pop music movies reached perfection with Disorderlies, and, despite the title, Bone Thugs and Harmony have nothing to do with the musical score.

The release of Crossroads does, however, allow me to discuss a very important theory. Brittany Spears is not human. I assure you, the evidence is overwhelming and can no longer be ignored.

1) Alien eyes. If you take a good look at a close up of Brittany's eyes (yes, she has eyes), you will see that they are spaced very far apart. When superimposed against the cover of that Communion book, the theory begins to take shape.

2) The Magical Mystery Boobs. If you were going to send an alien to take over a planet, wouldn't you do it with a saucy temptress? Spears is a pop star with boobies that magically switch from an "A" to a "C." In her videos, she's packing heat, but in the previews for Crossroads, there is a profile shot of Brittany in a bikini where she is melonless.

3) The word on the street. I'm not the only one who knows that something just isn't right with Brittany. While shopping at Target one day, I passed a young girl who was being scolded by her mother. "I don't want to hear you call Brittany Spears a whale penis ever again!" shouted her mother. I salute that young girl for her bravery in questioning the status quo.

Whether Spears is a whale penis or an alien, I will continue to fight for the truth. On a scale of one to Club 11, Crossroads gets a 2 (one for each of it's stars).

Bone bone bone bone bone, bone bone.

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Finally, someone tackled the difficult subject of early 1900's British snobbery. I'm not really sure if British food or British humor is more plain, but strangely enough, I'm drawn to both.

Gosford Park
is kinda like Clue on quaaludes. It is a beautifully made mystery with enough plot twists to keep you interested (and slightly confused) until the very end. Maggie Smith is brilliant, and Robert Altman does a wonderful job of directing. Not only is Altman's mastery of character development very impressive, but he is also able to use the word "fag" in a completely innocent way. What an auteur. On a scale of 1 to Club 11, Gosford Park gets a 9.

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This page is an archive of entries in the Movies category from March 2002.

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