Atomic Boogers

By Joe Blevins

The Hubert J. Cromsby Institute for the Advancement of Quantum Botany, Las Calaveras, NM
April 21, 1975 - 8:04 a.m.

And hello to you, Dr. Ackerman! Good to finally meet you! Can I call you Jerry? Super. And please, do call me Dr. Mandelbrot. Haw, haw! Just pullin' your leg there, Jer. No, seriously, "Wayne" will do just fine. We're all friends here. Well, Jerry, let me show you around the place and introduce you to some of the boys you'll be working with here at Cromsby. How's Las Calaveras been treating you, by the by? Settling in to your new home all right? Oh? Well, I sure as heck am sorry to hear that, Jer. My wife was the same way when we first moved out here. But she got used to it, and I'm sure your wife will, too. What's her name, may I ask? What a coincidence. My grandfather's name was Miriam. Haw, haw! But really, Jer, this place isn't too bad once you get used to the heat. The Devil's Crawlspace, my wife Dolores calls it. There's not a whole heck of a lot to do in town -- a few restaurants, coupla stores. Delores thought she'd go stir crazy. But I tell ya, Jer, at night Las Calaveras has a beauty all her own. It's the sky, Jer -- that great big beautiful open sky fulla stars. Makes a person feel, I dunno, free I guess is the word. And here's the best part, Jer: no lawn to mow! Am I right? Haw, haw! The kids took to this place right away. Said it reminded 'em of those old Road Runner cartoons, which I guess it does at that. How you fixed in the offspring department there, Jer? Got two m'self -- Randy's nine and Courtney's eleven. How 'bout you? No? Some particular reason? Well, I guess you're right, Jer. It's not my place to pry. But if it's a medical thing, Jer, I know a coupla doctors who would be glad to... Okay, Jer, I'll lay off. Guess I'm always tryin' to stick my nose in where it doesn't belong. But, heck, that's why we became scientists, huh? Delores says a scientist is just a busybody with a microscope! A regular Nosy Joe, that's me. Haw, haw!

And speaking of Nosy Joes, you seem to be one yourself, Dr. Ackerman. I see you've already noticed our little ventilation problem. Well, since you've signed a legally binding non-disclosure agreement, I guess I can tell you... Oh, you haven't? Hold onna sec. Lemme get one. Got plenty lying around here. Ah, here we go. Just sign here. And here. And here. And initial here. And if we could just get a thumbprint here. There we go. Anyway, as I was saying, you will occasionally notice a sort of green, viscous liquid dripping from the vents. Luckily, we have the situation largely contained to Sub-Basement B, where you'll be working. Oh, sure, it's pretty caustic stuff, make no mistake, but don't you worry about a thing. We'll get you fitted with a protective suit, goggles, hat, and gloves this afternoon once we get your measurements. What's your inseam, anyway? Thirty-two? Thirty-three? You're right, Jer, I'm poking my nose where it doesn't belong again. Old habits die hard, I suppose. Seriously, though, stay away from those vents in the meantime. That stuff can sure do a number on the epidermis, and no foolin'. And, uh, I'd stay away from the drinking fountains if I were you. Word to the wise.

Well, it's a funny story, Jer, now that you ask. You remember the Chartreuse Project, I assume? Yeah, that's right, Jer. The algae one. Your predecessor, Dr. Gene Milner, was spearheading that project. We were exposing ordinary green algae, just plain old garden-variety Trebouxia, to high levels of radiation in order to test the effects of epsilon rays on unicellular flagellates. The exact point of the project escapes me for the moment, but I think it had something to do with creating an industrial strength pool-cleaning compound. I mean, the algae's in the pool already, Jer. It might as well be cleaning the thing while it's there, huh? Haw, haw! But anyway, back to the story. Milner had been zapping the heck out of that algae for months and not making much progress. We all told him to throw in the proverbial towel, but, well... let's just say Gene was the stubborn type. Anyhow, he was in Isolation Pod 12 -- that's right down the hall from here, just past the vending machine on your left there, see it? -- one night about two months back, and apparently he decided to crank up the epsilon accelerator to full blast. Give 'er all she's got! Course this was nine, ten o'clock at night. I was at home with Dolores and the kids by that time. The only other person at Cromsby that night was Benny, the night watchman. Well, to hear Benny tell it, there was a huge explosion, and green smoke started pouring out of Isolation Pod 12. Well, Benny put on a gas mask and went in there, but Milner was nowhere to be found. There was just this... this goopus everywhere, this green stuff all over the floor and the walls. Atomic boogers, my kids call it. Anyhow, we managed to get most of it cleaned up, but some of it must've seeped into the vents and the plumbing and still drips out occasionally. Nasty stuff it is, too. Eats through human tissue like termites through plywood. Heck, we've lost so many plumbers that eventually they refused to come out here anymore. Hence those Port-a-Johns outside. We've got the situation 75% under control now, though -- 60% at the very least. Certainly not less than half.

Now as for Dr. Milner, it's a bit of mystery. Like I say, Jer, we never did find his remains. We assume he died in the explosion. Now according to Benny, in addition to the goopus we found on the floor and the walls, there was a great big heap of goopus that moved of its own accord and crawled right through Benny's legs, out the door, and down the hall. He says he shot at it, but the bullet just got absorbed into its body. I don't believe it m'self, though. Benny isn't exactly Niels Bohr. The standard joke about him is that his Mama drank too many margaritas when she was pregnant with him, so you have to take everything he says with a rim of salt! Haw, haw! But, honestly, Jer, the story is preposterous. I mean, are we supposed to believe that Dr. Milner's cellular structure broke down during the explosion and that his genetic material comingled with that of the irradiated algae, creating a kind of hybrid semisolid, shapeshifting mutant plant-man with malevolent human intelligence? And are we further to believe that this creature is, in fact, to blame for the recent series of mysterious disappearances and deaths at the Cromsby Institute? The whole thing's absurd. It sounds like the plot of a terrible, terrible science fiction movie. Facts, Jer. That's what the science game is all about. Huh? Oh, sure, Jer. We kept all of Dr. Milner's notes about the project. I'll show 'em to you later if you're interested.

Oh, by the way, Jer, would you mind signing this? It's a sympathy card we're sending to Dr. Eisenmann's widow. Poor devil. Whatta way to go. I'll tell you all about it later, maybe after you've had lunch. Let's just say it'll be a closed casket ceremony. Which reminds me, we're also collecting for a floral arrangement, if you want to chip in. Well, sure, Jer. I understand. I mean, you just got here and you didn't know the guy. Maybe next time. Sure was a shame, though. Stan Eisenmann didn't have an enemy in the world. Not one! Well, I mean, he and Gene used to quarrel a bit -- quite a bit actually -- but Stan was an okay guy in my book.

Incidentally, Jer, if you and Miriam aren't busy this Friday night, Dolores and I are throwing a key party for some of the boys at Cromsby and their wives. Kind of an annual tradition. We'd love it if you would... Well, okay, Jer. I won't pressure you. Boy, you remind me a lot of your predecessor. Gene didn't go for that kinda thing either. But you be sure to let me know if you change your mind, huh? Super.


| Leave a comment

Good story, Joe. Would have liked to have seen the goopus in action, but I'm glad my suggestion was able to produce a classic Blevinsy story nonetheless.

Glad you liked it. As for seeing the goopus in action, I will confess: this was originally going to be a much longer piece called "The Slime is Always Greener: A Survival Story," taking place over a series of weeks. The situation would get more and more grim, but Dr. Wayne Mandelbrot would remain steadfastly upbeat throughout. But I decided to have mercy on both the readers and myself and limit it to what is essentially one motormouthed monologue. How much of this guy could I or the reader tolerate? About 1200 words worth. I figured the outrageously inappropriate invitation at the end was enough of a capper, suggesting that perhaps there are horrors even greater than green slime.

Also, to anyone who happens upon this story, try to imagine it being read aloud by Fred Willard. I was trying to channel Fred Willard when I wrote this.

Oh, the pressure! So there, Blevins, there. You guilted me into it, so I read it. And, as always, it was awesome.

I really like the way you dealt with the narrator. Also, the very purposeful exposition was pretty excellent. Admittedly, I read it with more of a mid-western accent, which was especially entertaining when "goopus" was mentioned.

By the way, I wrote this comment using the tiny buttons on my cell phone. My cell phone, Blevins. That's how much I love you, man.

Leave a comment

Entry Archives

About this Entry

This page contains a single entry by Joe Blevins published on October 30, 2008 7:47 AM.

Are You Ready for Yeti? was the previous entry in this blog.

Five Monstrous Obstructions: What Have We Learned? is the next entry in this blog.

Find recent content on the main index or look in the archives to find all content.