Here it is, the conclusion of Soda Jerks. I think that everything comes together here at the obvious wedding climax that we were leading up to to end this trainwreck. IF YOU DO NOT KNOW THE SONG, "HOLY DIVER", BY DIO, LISTEN TO IT IF POSSIBLE BEFORE READING THIS SECTION. Knowing the song just amplifies the one joke quite a bit. Anyway, without further interruption...
INT. JESSE'S HOUSE - MORNING
Dad, wearing a tuxedo, barges into Jesse's bedroom.
Get up! Time to GET UP!
Jesse slowly rolls over onto his back, slightly conscious. He
looks at his dad, his eyes half opened.
We're already late! Let's go, let's
go. Today's the day. Hustle!
Dad exits the bedroom and leaves the door open.
Jesse lets out a long yawn, and then rolls off of the bed and
onto the floor.
In one motion, Jesse rolls again and stands up.
He grabs a tuxedo that is draped over the back of a folding
chair, and puts it on in seconds, not even attempting to
dress with any care or detail.
Jesse exits the bedroom, seemingly in the same motion
initiated with his rolling off of the bed.
Dad hangs the phone up and turns to see Jesse pour a glass of
You got to do us all a huge favor.
We don't have time for attitude.
Marco's best man is still stuck in
Jesse, silent. Realizes.
Oh, hell no!
We need you to fill in for him.
All you have to do is stand there,
and give the Justice of the Peace
Jesse lets out a sigh.
I have the rings. I'll give them to
you right before the ceremony
begins, so you don't lose them.
You still have to be an usher, too.
You're pulling a double.
You know that your sister would do
it for you.
Let's go before everyone starts to
Dad exits. Jesse stares at the floor.
INT. CLAUDIA'S MAKESHIFT BRIDE'S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
The room is fitted with a few chairs, end tables and a large
floor mirror. Claudia, Mom, some BRIDE'S MAIDS and an AUNT
frantically make last second alterations to Claudia's hair,
make-up and dress. The Aunt applies a make-up brush to
Here, dear. Close your eyes.
Mom holds the train of Claudia's dress with her fingertips.
These may be too long. Walk slowly
so you don't step all over them.
Dad knocks on the door. Then enters the room.
Behind the opened door, we see Brad, in a suit, making out
with one of the bride's maids.
All of the women in the room hiss and yell at Claudia's Dad
once he is noticed.
What? I'm not marrying her. I can
see my daughter if I want to,
Where were you, dear?
I had to get Rip van Winkle out of
Good thing, too, because if we had
left on time, I would have missed
Sit down, Claudia.
Claudia looks Dad in the eyes.
Marco's best man can't make it.
He's stuck at the airport.
Does Marco know?
What are we going to do?
Jesse's taking his place.
Oh, my God.
Are you nuts?
All he has to do is stand there.
Even he can't mess that up.
Well, if anyone can...
EXT. WEDDING AREA
A large, grassy plot of land with a gazebo near a lake.
Folding chairs are set up on either side of the aisle.
Tables in the back holing catered foods and drinks.
All of the guests circulate towards the rear, around the
tables. A PHOTOGRAPHER buzzes around the entire wedding area,
snapping photos of the landscape, gazebo, and random party
The Photographer walks in front of Ronnie James, who is
eating a finger sandwich, and aims the camera at him. Ronnie
James snaps to attention when he sees the camera pointed at
him and gives the sign of the devil at the camera, the finger
sandwich stuffed in his mouth, with half of it sticking out.
Ronnie James starts to pose for the Photographer. In front of
a tree, behind a tree, doing a push-up, kneeling, praying,
staring at the lake, etc.
EXT. WEDDING AREA - MOMENTS LATER
Ronnie James is seen talking to a WEDDING GUEST. They mingle
and calmly chat.
So, Bald Bull thinks that he can
get the best of me.
The Wedding Guest looks 'scared.'
RONNIE JAMES (cont'd)
I'm the Punch-Out king around here,
man. And when someone tries to pull
one over on me, I don't just sit
back and let it happen. Ya know? I
attack! Look out!
The Wedding Guest walks away from Ronnie James, who bobs his
head up and down like he is the ultimate in studliness.
Behind the last row of seats, Jesse paces back and forth.
Another usher, PAUL, 13, and cute as a button in his little
tuxedo, stands in his position with his hands folded in front
of his waist. A YOUNG COUPLE walks towards them, the female
is HOT, and stops when they are next to the Paul. Jesse
pushes Paul to the ground and offers his arm to the girl. He
escorts her down the aisle. Paul gets up off of the ground,
slowly dusting himself off.
Jesse returns to the back of the seats, where a pair of OLD
BLUE-HAIRS walk towards Jesse. Jesse looks at Paul.
Are you gonna help anybody today or
do I hafta do all the work? Come
on, take 'em to their seats.
Paul looks scared.
Dad shoots over to Jesse's side. He looks preoccupied and
Where the hell is the guy who's
doing the wedding?
I don't know.
Jesse's dad looks at his wristwatch.
He should have been here by now.
What the hell happened to him?
EXT. VACANT PARKING LOT - MORNING
SUPER: 20 MINUTES AGO
Darth and the Gang are once again operating their CBs and
walkie-talkies, sitting in lawn chairs, and the beds of their
Darth, sits next to Armchair, and takes a sip from a can of
(not looking at anyone)
The SOUND of a crackle, blended with VOICES is heard from his
Wait a minute.
Armchair listens intently to the CB. He twiddles a dial or
two to achieve better reception.
Damn. We're close.
Darth raises a hand into the air. Gomez and Frito immediately
appear at his side.
Darth whispers into their ears and the two minions rush away.
Darth sighs and stares at the ground.
The SOUND of a van's tired engine erupts through the vacant
Frito stands on top of the roof of a beat up, old van. Gomez
drives the van.
The van moves inch by inch around the parking lot. Frito
holds a crude antennae over his head, a wire stretching to
A little more--
Clear VOICES are heard through the CB.
Right there! Stop!
Gomez slams on the brakes, Frito almost falls off of the van.
Armchair and Darth listen to the words coming out of the CB.
And then silence. Armchair pounds the CB.
Shit! The batteries are shot! Hurry
up, Frito, we need to make a
Frito runs over to the van. Armchair FLOORS the van.
EXT. DOWNTOWN STREETS - CONTINUOUS
Armchair navigates the van at a high rate of speed, breaking
many vehicular laws in the process.
The van passes people on the right, drives on a curb, runs
EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - CONTINUOUS
JUSTICE OF THE PEACE, late 40's, exits a building with a sign
over the door that reads: "We Marry You."
He gets into a car parked right in front of the building, and
then pulls out into the street.
EXT. DOWNTOWN STREETS
The JOP's car drives around the streets, minding all traffic
Armchair's van cuts a corner sharply, the tires squeal
throughout the turn.
The JOP's car pulls out from an intersection as the light
Armchair roars down the block--
JOP's car enters the street perpendicular to Armchair.
Armchair runs the RED light and nears the JOP's car. It
almost collides with it.
Armchair swerves to the left, the JOP to the right, down
INT. JUSTICE OF THE PEACE'S CAR
From inside the car, Jesus is seen through the windshield, in
the middle of the street's crossing, lined up right down the
center of the hood.
JUSTICE OF THE PEACE
EXT. DOWNTOWN STREETS
Jesus sees the out of control car and jumps out of harm's
JOP crashes into a parked car.
Armchair keeps on driving, unaware of what he did.
EXT. WEDDING AREA - MORNING
Dad slams a phone down on its base. He looks as if he's lost
a million dollars.
Oh, hell! The Justice of the Peace
was in a car accident.
Is he all right?
Yeah, he's fine. But he won't be
able to make it here today.
What does that mean for us?
We have to find someone to do the
ceremony. We're starting soon!
All right, take a breath. Take a
Jesse walks by Dad.
Dad grabs Jesse by the shoulders. He looks into Jesse's eyes,
I need you to do something for me.
Find somebody that can do the
The Justice of the Peace had an
And it means we don't have someone
to perform the ceremony!
Well, I guess I could do it if you
No! Go get me someone.
I don't know. We were lucky to get
the guy we had.
Well, I don't know either.
Just go and find ANYBODY! A
priest, a rabbi, a vicar, a ship
captain. I don't care, just get me
somebody who can legally perform a
Whatever you say.
Jesse sprints away. Dad puts an arm around Marco.
I'm sorry about all of this. You
can't plan for this kind of stuff.
Everything will be fine. Jesse's on
Just sit tight. I'll tell Claudia
and everybody else what's going on.
EXT. DOWNTOWN STREETS - MOMENTS LATER
Jesse, dressed in a tux, jogs around the city streets.
He tries to open the doors of a church, but they are locked.
Jesse grabs people from the sidewalks and rants at them, but
their bodies indicate that they can't help.
Another church, another failed attempt.
Jesse walks out of a convenience store. He drinks a bottle of
Jesse walks around the sidewalk. He happens upon the scene of
the JOP's crash. He stops to inspect the damage. A TRAFFIC
COP is off to the side of the crash site.
The Traffic Cop questions Jesus. Jesse walks towards the cop
(to the Cop)
God be with you.
Jesus steps away from the scene.
Jesse walks behind Jesus and taps him on the shoulder. Jesus
turns around and faces Jesse.
How may I help you, my son?
EXT. WEDDING AREA - EARLY AFTERNOON
CLAUDIA'S MAKESHIFT BRIDE'S ROOM
Dad pokes his head inside the room.
Jesse found someone.
It's a miracle.
We'll get ready out here, and then
I'll come back and get you,
Claudia smiles. Jesse's mom stands up and waves the girls out
of the room.
Come on, girls. Let's get out there
and find our seats.
Everyone is seated. Full attendance.
Brad and Ronnie James sit in the very back row. Two lone
chairs make up the entire back row.
Marco, the bride's maids, and groomsmen stand on either side
of the front.
The SOUND of music plays through a stereo system set up near
the back. Speakers are strategically placed around the crowd.
Jesse runs and is stopped by his Dad, who is a nervous wreck.
Jesse. Where's the guy you found?
He's right behind me. Just get
ready and I'll send him up front.
Thank God. We'll come out when her
music starts playing, okay?
You got it.
Dad runs over to get Claudia.
Jesse stands next to Brad and Ronnie James. He sizes up the
What's the hold up?
Oh, nothing now. I had to get a guy
to do the wedding. Nothing big.
Are we starting soon? I'm sweating
my balls off in this suit.
Jesse snaps to attention when he spots Jesus around the
corner of a house on the property.
There's the man.
Brad and Ronnie James are confused when they get a good look
They laugh to themselves.
Jesse meets up with Jesus in the back of the ceremony.
Thanks for doing this, um, sir.
Anything for my children.
Okay. You ready?
I'm going up to the front, so come
up when you're ready, okay?
Yes, my child.
But make it quick, though.
Jesse jogs down the aisle and takes his place next to Marco.
Jesus takes a deep breath and begins his walk down the aisle.
Ronnie James gets out of his chair and stops Jesus' progress.
Jesus looks down at Ronnie James with an inquisitive
No way, man. You've got to make an
What do you mean?
Ronnie James scrambles over to the stereo. He takes out the
CD that currently plays, replaces it with one of his own, and
presses a few buttons on the stereo. Jesus stands confused.
Ronnie James cranks up the volume to the stereo. The song,
"Holy Diver," by DIO starts to play at a ridiculously HIGH
The entire crowd turns around and gets a look at Jesus, as he
stands in the middle of the aisle. Jesus slowly walks down
Brad and Ronnie James spazz out; they clap, hoot and holler.
Some YOUNGER MEN in the crowd stand up and look. More people
stand up, and start cheer.
Jesus, looks like a pro wrestler about to enter the ring,
continues to walk down the aisle.
He accepts the praise of the crowd. One FUNNY DRESSED MAN 'hi
fives' Jesus, another makes a fist in homage to our Savior.
The crowd is strangely frenzied.
Jesus steps up to the front of the aisle. Marco and the
entire wedding party are nonplussed. Jesse avoids eye contact
with everyone. He tries to not let anyone see that he is
Mom is hyperventilating.
Jesus turns around and faces the crowd. He raises his hands
over his head. The crowd cheers. Jesus lowers his hands
slowly, and quiets the crowd completely.
The crowd sits down, all very well behaved.
Jesus stands next to Marco. Marco stares at Jesus, in utter
"Holy Diver" is muted as "Here Comes the Bride" begins to
Claudia and Dad appear at the back of the crowd and begin to
walk up to the front amidst people who cry. Cameras snap
pictures as they pass.
As they approach the front of the crowd, Claudia looks at
Marco. Marco stands there proudly. Claudia looks at Jesse.
Jesse looks like he has done something very wrong. Claudia
looks at the bride's maids. The Bride's Maids all smile, one
holds back tears. Claudia looks at Jesus. Jesus smiles at
Claudia. Claudia looks like a deer in headlights.
Claudia leaves her father after he kisses her.
Claudia slowly takes her place at the front, and holds
Marco's hands. She wears the same look she had when she first
saw Jesus. The ceremony begins.
EXT. WEDDING AREA - LATER
The ceremony is headed for a wrap-up.
You may now kiss the bride.
Claudia and Marco kiss. Cheers from the crowd.
The newly-wedded couple walk down the aisle, followed by the
wedding party in their respective pairings.
INT. RECEPTION HALL - LATER
The LIONEL RITCHIE look-alike sings into a microphone as the
rest of the "COMMODORES" play their instruments. They play
"Too Hot to Trot."
The Photographer runs around the hall, and takes pictures of
anything and everything.
Brad and Ronnie James in the very back corner of the hall,
sit with other LOSER-types. Brad talks to one of the LOSER
The wedding party are seated in the very front of the hall at
a long, rectangular table, with Claudia and Marco in the
Someone raps a fork against a glass in the background, and
Claudia and Marco kiss. People cheer.
Dad slides in behind Jesse and leans down and talks into his
You did good today.
I love you, boy.
Dad HUGS Jesse as he cringes.
Dad turns to walk away, but immediately bumps into Jesus. He
shakes Jesus' hand, pats him on the shoulder with a smile,
Jesus taps Jesse on the shoulder.
The Photographer snaps a few pictures of Jesse's mom and dad,
and some of the "Commodores." Brad and Ronnie James make
their way up to the wedding table, and crouch around Jesse
and Jesus. Jesus smiles at them, and then slides in between
Claudia and Marco. Claudia and Marco both look at Jesus. The
Photographer stands in front of the table and snaps the
This particular picture resembles the famous, "The Last
INT. RECEPTION HALL - LATER
Claudia and Jesse slow dance to 'Hello' as 'Lionel Ritchie'
This has been one heck of a day.
Yes, it has.
Dad told me everything you did.
Maybe they'll leave me alone for a
Even though this isn't what I had
planned for my big day, it did all
I think they'll leave you alone for
a while. Until you do something
Jesse and Claudia let go of each other.
Jesse disappears into the crowd. Claudia turns around to
accept the next dance with her.
Claudia's EYES show a look of repulsion.
A smiling, Ronnie James. He tosses a dollar bill into a
basket, slams a shot of booze. He begins to snap his finger
to his side, all the while he bobs up and down with an odd
I thought I told you that I wasn't
going to dance with you?
You'll be amazed at what you see,
I'm like a rainbow in the dark,
Claudia reluctantly accepts Ronnie James, but keeps his body
distanced from hers with extended arms.
INT. FRANCO'S ICE CREAM - AFTERNOON
Jesse and Brad lounge around behind the counter.
Brad throws peanuts, complete with their shells, into a tub
of peanut butter ice cream.
Silence. Jesse lets out a depressed sigh.
Nothing. I guess I feel like I'm in
a rut or something.
We live in a rut.
You seeing Clarissa tonight?
You don't seem too happy about it.
I don't know. I guess I'm too
content with where I'm at.
What's wrong with that?
I don't know.
Then what are you bitching about?
I don't know that, either.
Man, you don't know shit!
Brad and Jesse return to their silence.
The SOUND of the door creaking open.
Jesus enters the parlor. He walks up to the counter and
Hello, my son, how are we this day?
Hey, it's the Jesus guy. How's
Each day is a blessing.
Whatever you say.
Brad closes the peanut butter tub top and then looks at
Jesus, who reads the menu.
Brad puts on a devilish face. Jesse notices and smiles.
Hey, how would you like a free
A free cone?
Yeah, it's okay, we don't mind.
Well, okay. I would love a free
cone. I'll have vanilla, please.
It doesn't work that way. You have
to do something first.
Um, ah, let's see.
Brad looks out into the parlor.
How about, go over there and pet
Jesus looks behind himself. An inflatable cow lies on the
Yeah, pet it a few times.
Jesus trudges over to the cow, his sandals clacking on the
floor. Jesus, very timidly, begins to pet the cow. He shifts
his eyes from the cow over to Brad and Jesse.
Talk to the cow.
Hello, Mr. Cow?
Make the cow talk. Make the cow
Moo! Moo! Moo!
Jesus pets the cow and makes sounds as if it were real. He
seems as if he is starting to find this entertaining.
Should I milk the tits, too?
Go for it, man.
...out of control!
Jesus pets the cow, milks it, and makes more 'moo' sounds.
Brad and Jesse are in tears due to their laughter.
Riled up, Jesus takes a step back, and then kicks the cow off
of the ground. He quickly turns to Brad and Jesse and points
a finger into the air.
Brad and Jesse raise their hands into the air in jubilation.
END CREDITS OVER:
INT. QUIET ROOM
Ronnie James and Bald Bull play 'Mike Tyson's Punch Out.'
Ronnie James heckles Bald Bull.
It's Tyson time, baby. Watch and
Get ready to pay up, little man.
Never gonna happen.
ON TV SCREEN
Round 1 is displayed.
Bald Bull and Ronnie James stare at the game screen.
Sudden blackness. The POWER goes out.
What the hell?
Son of a bitch!
A mystery never to be solved?