Do you realize that on the road of life, Pork Pony is the smelly, slow, rust-riddled diesel-burning automobile that hogs the left lane? Why you spend your time reading this garbage is beyond me, but I'll give you credit reader, at least you're wasting your time on my words (which, by the way, are the equivalent of the 100 percent authentic ivory gear shift knob in the aforementioned filthy car) instead of the balance of the trash on this site.
This week, I received another letter, this one stating that I "could learn from" the staff of Pork Pony. At first I laughed, but then I realized that the reader who suggested this was right. I now cherish my every moment here, for every second I spend in the Pork Pony offices, I learn more about stupidity. I am convinced that when I finish my time here, I'll have earned a doctorate degree in the study of human idiocy. Here are some of my potential thesis topics:
Video Games and Fire: A Comparison
I am certain that by now you've seen or played some variety of video game. But have you ever thought, dear reader, of how closely our ancestors discovering fire resemble those playing these games? Think about the cooing. The grunts. The tossing of objects. The frustration. The look in the eyes of one who finally finds within himself the ability to defeat something so simple and subhuman. In actuality, I'd have to say that our ancient brothers and sisters have a leg up on these present day Playstation primates.
Rock and Roll: The IQ Decimator
Is repetition difficult? If so, my four-year-old great nephew must be an Einstein, because he can repeat nearly any phrase (not to mention the alphabet) for hours on end. How these dunces at Pork Pony can listen to Rock and Roll music is beyond me. Every song sounds the same. I've tried to introduce them to a little Caruso, but no use. The pea brains that occupy the space around me are too small to absorb the intricacies of a well-delivered aria. Let their brains rot, I care not.
I shall think of more thesis ideas to share with you reader, but for now, I must go. I am ill you see, but my illness cannot be attributed to a virus or bacteria. It's cause, however, can be described simply, with two words: Pork Pony.