The Gimble World Tour: Irvine, CA

By Stuart Gimble
A rabid fan obtains Stu's autograph in Irvine, CA.

Once again, Gimble's spirit is led astray. It did soar about the highest heights when the news came upon it that soul and body were to embark on a world tour most pleasant; but alas, truth, fate, and the Pork Pony do laugh in the face of the dashing Gimble.

As I mentioned before, I thought of this world tour as an exotic endeavor, one which would show me each of the world's wonders in their very own splendor. Alas, the news has been read to me and it is bad. I am to receive my destination each Monday and it shall be secret until that day. This past Monday, my assignment was handed to me and as I bustled off to meet my new temporary home, I learned that the place I was off to was not far nor was it distant. It was Irvine, California, an hour and a half drive out of Los Angeles.

I cursed my counterparts and superiors, uttering incantations most foul against their spirits. Riding on my rage, I arrived in Irvine, where I was to stay for a week. Aside from its artificially green lawns, overly wide highways and streets, and pasty white inhabitants, it is naught but a wasteland. I dare say Irvine, California is the most culturally devoid city in the entire Union.

One fellow, I shan't use his name, approached me asking for directions to the library. This chap could spot a man of letters, I do say. However, when I informed the man that I'd never been to Irvine, he handed me some beef jerky and told me that he'd lived there his entire life. He said that it was the greatest place on Earth. I asked, "So how is it, dear sir, that you don't know where the library is?" And he simply said, "Well I got all my entertainment from the TV set. We've got over 500 channels of digital cable." He then strode over to his Lincoln Navigator and sped off. Need I say more? Nay.

Every restaurant in Irvine is part of a national chain. The food all tastes the same. Tacos from the "Authentic Mexican" restaurant El Torito taste identical to the Chinese food from P.F. Chang's. It's as if they blend all of their choicest foodstuffs in a giant mixing bowl and shape the amalgam into meal-looking food sculptures.

I loathe Irvine. Hopefully my next endeavor will be better.

Until next debacle,

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This page contains a single entry by Stuart Gimble published on July 2, 2002 2:55 PM.

To Flight with Thee, Gimble! was the previous entry in this blog.

AUSTIN POWERS 3: GOLDMEMBER: a Club 11 review by Mike Wargo is the next entry in this blog.

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