My Name Is Not William, Part 3 by David Kendall, Jr.

Part 3 of MNINW finds the man who bears not the name William on the phone and then on the toilet. Comedy and soul-searching ensue. (CL)

The Magic Crane! The Magic Crane! Oh lord, do I crap first or watch the Magic Crane! I went all the way to Mr. Juan's for Cottonelle only to be confused as a deaf mute retard, but the Magic Crane is on. The Magic Crane! The Magic Crane makes everything right. I guess I'll watch the Magic Crane.

There is one slight perk about my apartment that I failed to mention. I get free cable. The reason I failed to mention this is it's not the best cable lineup. So, I've become quite attached to the International Channel. I always watch the Cambodian news report for that amazingly beautiful anchor and her whiny sidekick, and the nightly movie. Tonight's feature is the Magic Crane. I really don't know what it's about yet, but I've seen the whole thing about five times. The drawing power is horribly interpreted English subtitles ("You take magic kick to mountain moving head.") and the titular character, the worst puppet ever created. The head looks like a 50's vacuum hose painted white, it's body parts stolen from the Herbie Hancock "Rockit" video. And the same kid who played the pig boy makes a return appearance for no known reason. Magic.

Laying on my bed, using Cottonelle as my pillow, the phone rings. Since it's past 8pm, I deduce it's Enrico.


"Yo, side burns, how are you?" Enrico just calls me random things. Side burns, lady killer, munch, swinger, pasty one. No reason needs to apply, just what ever his mood is.

"Hey, Enrico. So you chased somebody again." Enrico, for some reason, makes me converse for more than a few sentences. It's probably because we talk about nothing.

"He was pissing on a hydrant. You don't let that kind of thing go."

"First, an old lady. Then, two homeless guys. And now, a crazy guy." For your information, the old lady had a body hugging girdle clearly exposed from under her trench coat. She was cooing and pretending to flap her own set of wings at the park near Enrico's house. This bothered Enrico, so he chased her. Next, he came across two homeless guys mutually pleasing each other in the loading dock at the main library downtown. Enrico is a homophobe. Thus, this bothered Enrico, so he chased them.

"They all deserved it." It sounds like he has actual shock in his voice due to my criticism. "So what have you been up to?"

"Three separate people called me William today."

Enrico quickly interjects, "Boring. I chased away a guy pissing on a fire hydrant. You have to do better than that."

I really don't want this to be our conversation. "If you called to tell me how proud you are and not listen to what I have to say, I'm hanging up."

"Yes, it is Sunday, so this means you are eating Bon Bons and worrying about what's going to happen at work this week." Enrico giggles at this. He has impressed himself with an unimpressive line.

"Are you going to listen or what?"

"Speak my little bitch."

Ignoring his comment I repeat my prior statement. "Three separate people called me William today. Almost in different contexts and hopefully not meaning the same person."

"What do you mean hopefully?"

"The guy at Mr. Juan's thought I was a deaf mute."

Enrico pauses and then speaks in revelation. "Oh, William Smith, the kid who can do quantum physics but still shits his own pants. You are much prettier."

"Thank you. Anyway, it's kind of freaky."

"So you actually spoke to three separate people today?"

"Umm, yes, I guess. Four including you."

"Stop the goddamn presses! My little slut is chatterbox! That's freakier than being called William." Enrico pauses and asks in mock seriousness, "Were any of them girls?"

I sigh, "Yes."

Enrico squeals in delight. "I'm playing with my own nipples I'm so excited. We should celebrate tomorrow."


"I need garlic. Let's steal shit from that Hugging Farms Commune stand again. They are really stupid. They didn't even catch me when I stole that sack of potatoes."

"I can't, I promised I would finish up a project tomorrow at work. Besides, they are really nice at that place. I feel bad every time we steal there."

"We are all members of Hugging Farms since we are members of mother Gaia. Let us forever be the hyenas of Hugging Farms."

"Look I have to go, I'll talk to you later."

"Have to go, or have to GO?" Enrico extends the 'go' for four beats. I try my best to imitate him.

"I have to GO."

"Make sure you save it for the compost heap. It makes great broccoli."

"Good-bye," I firmly end the call and take my Cottonelle pillow to the bathroom with me.

While doing the very thing that will give me the reason to use my beloved Cottonelle, I think about work. Work consists of sorting and pushing. Working in a mail room is not exactly rewarding, but that's how we all have to start. Since I don't speak up, I usually get all the projects. Since I do all the projects seemingly well, I piss off all the other mail room employees. Tomorrow's project consists of figuring out how to get the computer alert system to work. The system supposedly alerts the senior agents on the top floors when their mail gets in the building. It works. It works just fine. It's just that the people who are supposed to use this computer system are old, white, stupid, and fat. And stupid. Did I mention stupid. Stupid.

With that thought in mind, I wipe my ass and think about what tie I'm going to wear tomorrow.

Leave a comment

Entry Archives

About this Entry

This page contains a single entry by published on February 18, 2002 5:49 PM.

A WALK TO REMEMBER: A Club 11 movie review by Mike Wargo was the previous entry in this blog.

Stu Says: Stuart Gimble's First Article is the next entry in this blog.

Find recent content on the main index or look in the archives to find all content.