His eyes opened in a flash to the morning light streaming in through the Venetian blinds. He closed his eyes again and rolled over to go back to sleep but then snapped back awake and alert. As if suspended by wires, Henry Black floated out of bed and softly onto the bedroom floor.
He drew the blinds and yelled to the world, “It’s my birthday!” Two blue jays floated around his window and sang merrily perfecting the tableau that even Walt Disney would have gagged on.
Still in his pajamas, Henry walked into the kitchen of the apartment he shared. Ian, the roommate, was seated around the table eating his breakfast when Henry said, “Good morning. Ian? Will you make me pancakes? Oh! And put chocolate chips in them with a couple of slices of banana but not too much banana, I’m not a chimpanzee, right?” Henry sat down at the table and his roommate, slumped over a bowl of cereal, stared back at him.
“What makes you think I’ll make you pancakes?” Ian asked.
“Well, Ian, it just so happens to be my birthday!” Henry yelled gleefully into Ian’s face and laughed.
Ian’s jaw slackened and then he smiled wide. Quickly he jumped to his feet, ran to the stove and began to make Henry’s order. “Anything for the birthday boy! Congratulations!”
The professor was babbling away at the front of the auditorium filled with half-awake students. The door slammed open and Ian and Henry sauntered into the auditorium, both grinning happily.
“Gentlemen, what makes you think you can show up late for my class? This class is very important and if you get anything lower than an A+ you will never ever become successful and your wife will divorce you and have an affair with your father who just divorced your mother who is now sleeping with the mailman who just shot your dog which just ate your favorite t-shirt of your favorite band who just broke up.”
Henry’s grin didn’t crack at all as he said, “Well, sir. It just so happens to be my birthday.”
The entire auditorium including the professor jumped to their feet and began dancing to music that didn’t seem to be coming from anywhere in particular.
“I’m so sorry for that,” the professor said to Henry in between doing the Macarena and the Electric Slide. The professor then turned to Ian, “You on the other hand will get a failing grade.” Ian’s face dropped and he stopped dancing but then shrugged it off and said, “Who cares? It’s Henry’s birthday!”
Walking back to their apartment, Henry and Ian were crossing a street in the crosswalk when a 1998 Toyota Camry screeched to a stop and faintly tapped Henry’s left shin. Henry’s ever present grin suddenly lost its title as “ever present” as his face melted into one of extreme anger. Henry picked up a large stone from the nearest garden and smashed it into the car’s windshield. The glass buckled and shattered. The driver got out of the car and started screaming expletives to Henry as Ian was holding Henry back.
The driver said, “What the censored is your problem?”
“Man, it’s his birthday,” Ian explained.
The man stopped cursing and Henry and he were face to angry face. They hugged deeply and began to dance as “Oh Yeah” by Yello blared. “As long as it’s your birthday, do whatever you want, big guy!” the driver said.
“Is there a problem here?” A police officer named Sanchez approached the car with its windshield smashed in and three young men dancing willy-nilly to a Swiss dance band.
Henry said, “No, officer. It’s my birthday! Come on and dance! Everybody!” And with that command from the birthday boy the entire city of Philadelphia began to dance and party. Yellowcake fell from the sky and ice-cream cake, the good kind with the cookie crumbles, began to flow from all the fire hydrants.
The police officer Mashed Potatoed his way over to Henry. “Here, Henry, take my gun and shoot whoever. It’s your birthday after all. You did manage to live one whole year without dying.” Henry took the gun and shot the police officer in both kneecaps. As he lie on the ground bleeding, the police officer said, “Happy birthday, Henry.” He died with a frosting-lined smile on his face.
Henry jumped onto the cop’s corpse and began to do the Twist as he yelled, “Birthdays rock!”
The city danced and made love until the wee hours of the morning. Promptly at midnight, it went back to murdering each other.
I think this is one of the best comic pieces you've posted here. Really good stuff. I especially liked the professor's failure speech. It's all really crazy and it works really well.
On a personal preference level, I can't say I'm a big fan of the cop getting shot the way he did -- it comes across as slightly mean-spirited. I understand it adds to the absurdity and actually enhances the over-the-top nature of the story, but I've always had a hard time with stuff like that, even when it's cartoonish and done for comedy. Then again, I'm a big wuss, so take what I'm saying with a grain of salt.
I will say that the memorial note at the end is great, though.
I think if you had the officer's hands shot off or somehow otherwise severed, he really could have thrown them in the air, literally.
Additionally, I think this could make a good Cadillac commercial.
I like the fact that all this goes on for apparently only Henry's birthday, as in a city as large as Filthadelphia, there is easily a birthday every single day. I don't even care why this is the case, because it adds to the absurdity of the story. Thank God there were no Mummers around, for they annoy me. Good stuff, Chris.
I enjoyed the cop because he was 45 and could still shake it big time. Plus, Gary is a great name for anyone with a spicy last name such as Sanchez. So he got shot...I've done worse than that.
If ever one of my hands was severed off, the first thing I would do is place the hand such that it would cup the elbow of the arm sans hand, because it is physically impossible to do that otherwise.
I took this from this weird sense of entitlement people get when it's their birthday. I feel it sometimes and then I realize how absurd it is.
Chris, sorry about the rough treatment of the cop. I just think it helps send it over the top. Besides, I'm a cop killa!!!! Argh.
I saw this brilliantly in my head so I think this would work better as a sketch, probably.