The full moon illuminated the night and cast a pale glow across the expansive desert. A lone figure could be seen trudging up the mountainside, his long robes flowing out behind him. At the top of the mountain another light source grew brighter as the figure approached. Moses stepped forth and bowed before the light source, the burning bush. The disembodied voice of God bellowed from the bush.
“Moses, you are a faithful servant to Me, and for that I am grateful. You have delivered My 10 commandments to the faithful and for that I am also thankful. But Me, being the perfectionist that I am…”
“Earth is perfect, Lord and for that I am obliged,” Moses interrupted, with his eyes diverted from the blazing bush.
“Yes, yes, you’re welcome, but listen to what I have to say. Me being the perfectionist that I am, I have added one more commandment for My faithful to obey.”
Moses looked at the raging fire with a look of apprehension. “Oh Almighty, don’t you think that eleven will be pushing it? I mean, ten is a lot for these imperfect beings, but eleven is…” At Moses’s comment, the fire suddenly jumped higher and higher.
“Does thou doubt thy own Lord? Does thou have the guff to talk back to the Almighty Being? Come on, I’m a freaking bush that is on fire yet doesn’t burn!”
Moses diverted his eyes again realizing his faux pas. “No, Lord, only a suggestion…” The fire calmed down again.
“Thou better only giveth suggestion to Me. Anyhow, just deliver this to the huddled masses and praise the Lord; I mean Me, blah, blah, blah.” The fire died down and Moses walked away. He came to a small alcove in the mountain and picked up a small stone tablet.
Moses stroked his white beard as he read the tablet. A look of confusion spread across his face, when suddenly God’s voice came down from the heavens above.
“They’ll understand it in about three thousand years…”
About Three Thousand Years Later
The camera cut in, the foreboding music blared, and lights flashed to life as the news telecast began:
“Welcome to Channel 22’s special report on the latest findings. It appears that the best-selling book of all time, the Holy Bible, is completely wrong. Yes, folks, you heard right. Our frame of mind has been shattered as an archeologist is claiming to have found the 11th commandment, supposedly written by the Almighty himself, the big guy upstairs, God. Archeologist, Dr. Joe Wyatt, is going to be holding a press conference later today…”
Dennis Kergick shut off the TV in a state of disbelief and shock. He was an atheist…at least he was until that moment. Yep, God did exist. How ‘bout that? You think you have all your beliefs in check, and He goes and throws a slider down the pike.
“I need to catch some rays,” Dennis said to the room.
The sun beat down on the white sand of the Ocean City beach, much like the full moon glared down on the white sand of the desert in the Holy Land those 3000 years ago. The beach was sparse as everyone was inside watching television. Big news was going on, after all.
Dennis set his beach chair down and plopped into it. Within two seconds he had sand in every orifice, nook, and cranny on his body.
Silently, Dennis started to sort out this new information about the universe while watching the waves crash closer and closer to his spot on the sand. Dennis just about had his mind wrapped around the whole “God exists” thing when a shadow blocked his sunrays.
“Hello?” Dennis looked up at the guy who owns the shadow and quickly turns away.
“SWEET LORD! Oh my…uhh…NO! That is just so WRONG!” Dennis writhed in his chair. An elderly man of 63, weighing about 250 pounds, and incredibly hairy, in an impossibly small Speedo was the shadow. His mental anguish grew as Dennis slowly realized only a small layer of spandex was separating…no, can’t think like that.
“Hey, buddy, did you hear about the new commandment?” The old guy asked, totally oblivious to the fact that he was causing anyone unlucky enough to cast their glance at him dry heaves.
“Yes, I did. I just…I need some time alone, would you excuse me?” The old guy flashed a smile that showcased all 2 of his teeth, and from the look of it, he won’t have that many for much longer.
Dennis’s stomach slowly regained its normal balance as the elderly guy walked away. Uncontrollably, Dennis’s eyes went directly to the guy walking away, causing him to look once more at the incredibly small bathing suit and the incredibly large man crammed into it. Again the bile rose in Dennis’s throat but was held at bay when he stared out into the ocean.
Ten minutes after the horrific event Dennis had just started to doze off. His head bounced against his chest, until suddenly he snapped awake at the loud crackle of white noise from a stereo. Dennis looked up and noticed a small crowd gathering. Then the stereo became clear and Dennis could hear everything that was being said:
“…and Moses tossed this stone tablet aside thinking it was not as important as the other ten. The 11th commandment appears to show how much foresight God truly has. I will repeat again what Dr. Wyatt has already announced. The 11th commandment is ‘Thou shall not wear thy smallest bathing suit to any public place if thou is fifty pounds overweight, or if thou has more hair on thy own body than an 80’s heavy metal band has on their collective heads. Follow this and ye shall be greeted in heaven, refuse to obey and be prepared to welcome the fires and the torture of HELL!’ Everyone in the world is probably as blown away from that as I am…”
Dennis tuned out the radio and looked back at the crowd. He got up from his chair with a grunt and walked over to the mass of people. They formed a circle around one man, whose yelps and sighs of pain were slowly getting louder. Dennis finally reached the circle and looked in. Inside, lying on the sand was the scantily clad geriatric from earlier writhing in pain. Standing over him was a woman holding something down toward the man.
Dennis couldn’t see the object she was holding so he walked around the crowd. From his new vantage point he could make out the thing in the woman’s hand. It was a rosary with a large crucifix on it.
Dennis laughed and looked at the man again. Small tendrils of smoke arose from his body, particularly around the offending area of clothing. The man appeared to be getting darker until suddenly a loud popping sound came and the man was reduced to a pile of ashes. The only thing remaining was the Speedo now adorned with a small burning of the crucifix on the front.
The group seemed to be happy with this and slowly dispersed. Dennis remained there and stared at the ashes lying on top of the sand. Dennis used to be an atheist but he’s was beginning to really like this God guy.
Dennis returned to his beach chair and fell asleep, a content man, listening to the waves crash and the sizzle of fat, ugly, people in Speedos.
This is one of my favorite things you've posted here so far. OK, it probably is my favorite, for a few reasons:
1. I like the conversational tone of the narration. The third-person narrator takes on a subtle persona and adds another dimension to the story.
2. God is awesome in this story. His dialogue is great.
3. The story feels polished and tight (like a lady sanctioned by God to wear a bikini).
4. It might just scare European men into clothing, making beaches around the world safer for all.
If I had to guess, I'd bet you spent more time on the rewrite this go around and it shows. My only minor criticism is that the end seems a little less polished than the rest. I can't really put my finger on it, but I think it might be the pacing and the flow of the action at the end (the fat dude being exorcised to dust). It's not a major detractor, more like a tiny door ding on an otherwise shiny car, or an imperceptible fruit-fly leg in a glass of rich, chocolaty Ovaltine.
The power of Christ compels you!
I could sense that Moses wanted to get all uppity on the Lord, but who wants to get 5 across the eyes from the Maker?
Although offensive, the Speedo and hairy fat man combo generates such a chuckle that you laugh and look becuase it is so wrong. If the surface of the sun was funny, there would be more blind people running around, well, more like running into things, but you get the analogy, because you are smart and have drank Ovaltine on more than one occasion.
The 13th Commandment would have something to do with Ben Affleck, I'm sure.